I woke up late today. Well, later than I wanted to. My youngest is away at her paternal grandparent’s for the next few days because I am unable to pay my deductible for my childcare right now. This means they have suspended my account, and my children are not allowed to go back until I make a payment. Not exactly the best thing to deal with, and just another lump in the pile of coal that is my life. I refer to it as a pile of coal because I am almost positive it is going to go up in flames at any moment. My financial situation hasn’t been the best since I got sick; not that I was flying high before, but being a single mother and sick for the last few years has put a strain on my income. I know I had Jeff to help me from time to time, but I paid him back every cent he ever loaned me. Minus the random times he decided that whatever gesture he made was a gift, but I did the same for him.
I have been missing Jeff quite a bit the last week, and thinking of him often. Not in a romantic way, but just in a way.. I can’t explain. It is like a piece of me is missing, and I didn’t even realize I had cut it out until it was too late. I did it. I cut him out. I took a knife and I removed him from myself. From my life. From everything. Yes, I am still aware of all the things he did while we were together, but that really doesn’t matter. I miss my friend. My best friend, and I don’t think I will ever replace him with anyone. Not the way I felt just hanging out with him. The ease of conversation (when the conversation was platonic), and all the fun we had. That sounds so silly to me right now, as just a few weeks ago I was still SO angry with him. Angry with myself. Angry in general.
Now that I have been able to get a grip on myself, on my illness, and on my situation, I have begun to try to pick up the pieces that I threw everywhere in the fit that was the following few weeks after diagnosis. I am not sure I have EVER lashed out like that in my entire life, and it pains me to know I can never fix things. I can never work the days I missed. Undo the things I did. Unsay the hateful words that spewed from me. Not just towards Jeff, but anyone who happened to get on my bad side during that time. People seem to forgive me a lot, and for that I am so very lucky. I have days when I feel like I have not a soul in this world who cares for me, or understands what I am going through. Then I look around and I realize that I am a person with MANY, many faults.. and those around me.. love me anyway. They forgive me for my harsh moments. For my snaps, my barks, and sometimes even my bites. For that I am lucky. But I keep biting people. I keep biting myself.
I KEEP BITING! I keep hurting people. I keep hurting myself. Self destruction and pain is something I am very good at doing. I am terrible at accepting and giving love to those around me, and now that I am sick it is even worse. I feel weak. Vulnerable. I feel like even more now than ever, I have to prove I can do it on my own! I push those away who want to be close to me, and spend my time with people who don’t care for me the way those I pushed away do. I see the concern on my coworkers faces as I limp around the office. I see them cringe as I sit down and you can HEAR the crackling in my knees. They care. Yet, I don’t allow myself to really get close to them. I am keeping everyone at such a superficial distance. Why? Because I am biting myself.
I can’t help it. I have no idea why I do it, and it is hard to stop. It is a fault of mine I have always have, and have no idea how to fix. I just keep biting. Some forgive me, and some don’t. I have been given more forgiveness than I even deserve, and I have selfishly emailed Jeff asking the same. Asking for his forgiveness for all the terrible things I said and did to him. I feel awful. Will he forgive me? No. I know he won’t, but I said sorry anyway. I apologized to his ex wife as well. I feel awful for the trouble I caused during my relationship with Jeff, and I feel awful for how rude I was to her. She was awful about me, but I was awful TO her. I was awful about her to Jeff, and it caused a bigger rift between them than ever would have existed if it weren’t for me. I bit him. I bit her. I bite. I bite people left and right, and they keep forgiving me for it. But at the end of the day.. I need to stop biting. Stop biting everyone around me. Stop..