I have been trying to figure out what I want from myself right now. I am a mess. I am tired, I am sore, I am grumpy. My knees now click every time I take a step, but luckily I see an Orthopedic Surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I have gained 50 lbs since January, and I am so physically miserable. But what does that mean for me over all? What do I want from MYSELF? Am I really that unhappy with my body, or am I afraid that others will be unhappy and displeased with me? Am I afraid that someone else won’t love me for how I look because of all of the rejection and insults I have endured? Because of the expectations that are set for me? I want to be healthy, and I want to look good.. but more than that, I want someone to love me for how I am. Whether I am 300 lbs or 100 lbs, I want someone to be ok with that. No. Not just OK with that, but love me completely for how I am.
From my understanding of the illnesses I have, the medications I will be off and on for the rest of my life, and everything else that comes along, I will be dealing with a lot of changes. There will be weight fluctuations. There will be hormone changes. There will be additional problems in the future, and I will have struggles. But what does that mean for not only my love life, but my support system? Can I find someone who will love me and I will love back equally? Will things work out for me, and my children? I have no idea, but I know I want that.
The amount of emotional fluctuations with Jeff was insane. The emotional roller-coaster that was Jeff and his situation (mixed with mine) left me emotionally deprived. I longed (and still long) for more from that situation. After the breakup he told me all about how quickly he fell for me. How much he loved me, and wanted me. However, our entire relationship he was so distant and strange. He implied on a regular basis that he did NOT want to be with me, and did not enjoy our relationship. This put constant strain on everything we had, and caused a huge amount of insecurity. My insecurity fed into his, and it was just an ugly downward spiral from there. The amount of love I felt, and will always feel for him is more than I have ever felt for anyone, and as time goes on I realize that there were so many things right with us.. but just more things wrong.
So what I want now is to find someone who can love me as much as I can love them. I want an equal, caring, and supportive situation. I want to not only find my best friend, but my life partner. That may sound cheesy, and silly at this point.. but I really need to get myself there. I have three girls at home who rely on me. I have an entire office of people who rely on me. Who do I have to rely on? That is where it ends. Now, don’t get me wrong! I get plenty of support and satisfaction from my children and my work, but something is missing. I know that someone is missing from my life, and that he is out there. I know I can find what I need, and BE what someone needs from me. There is a fitting puzzle piece out there for me, and I want to find him. Whether that is tomorrow, next week, a year, or five years from now, I am going to find him! What does that mean for my current love interests? It means that they are not “love” interests. Nobody has given me that special feeling. Even though Josh was such a fun person to be around, it’s just not there. Joel? Joey? Anyone? No. It’s just not there, and none of them are the one for me. But I won’t give up. I will find that special someone that I can share my life with one day, and who will want to share theirs with me just as much.
Call me a hopeless romantic.. but I will find him.