Today I have been feeling very sorrowful. I had bad dreams again last night.. all about Jeff. I don’t know what is going on inside my head, but I can’t seem to get him out of my dreams. Every time I close my eyes and drift off to dreamland, there he is. Taunting me. Loving me. Hurting me. I wake up with horribly mixed feelings, but one overtakes the rest. Sorrow. The loss of someone I love. Loved? No.. love. I don’t think I will ever stop loving that man, regardless of what goes on in my life. Do I want to see him? No. Not yet. Do I want to talk to him? Every minute of every day.. but I can’t. It is not the right time, if ever it will be, I don’t even know.
My whole body was swollen today. I woke up at 7:15 this morning, exhausted and so puffy, I almost didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I slipped my night clothes off, and stood in front of the mirror. This is the biggest I have been in about 8 years. My whole body is bloated, swollen, and fat. Underneath all of this blob, I know I have a lovely body. I remember how my curves feel. I have a great shape, smooth skin, and the color of the skin hidden by clothing is milky, and silky. But this.. blob.. I am right now. I don’t even know who that is. I stood there for at least five minutes, examining myself. Red blotches all over my belly, chest, and arms. What a lovely side effect of being me right now. Sores across my shoulders. Black circles around my eyes, and lips too puffy for my liking. My cheeks are like little baby cheeks, but stiff and itch. My toes aren’t touching the floor, though my bulbous body is pressing as hard as it can. I can barely even open my hands, and as I look down I can see they are purple and white. This is my life now.
As I went on with my day, trying to ignore how I was feelings (both physically and emotionally), I realized something. It is ok to still love Jeff. It is ok to worry about him. To hope that he is ok, even though I am still so hurt, and the thought of him with someone else makes my ache in a way I never knew before. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I do love him. I love his kids. His strange, quiet, emotionally withdrawn kids. I miss their little faces. I miss the random questions and comments. I miss waking up to them, making them pancakes, and playing kitchen. I miss them. I miss him… and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, even if you can’t be around them anymore. My sorrow for my health is ok. My sorrow for Jeff is ok. I just need to get up every day, and carry on. I need to keep going, keep pushing myself, keep trying to get better. I need to let go of the bitterness, and just let myself feel the love. If he is happier now, who am I to be upset about that? Don’t I want him to be happy?
Do I want Jeff to be happy? Yes. Very much so yes. Does it hurt to think of him coming out of his depression for someone else, when I longed for him to come to light with me? Yes. But you know what? How he comes out of it should be irrelevant. It just matters that he does, right? I would love to see him down the road when we are both healed and see him happy. I have seen flashed and glimpses of a happy Jeff, and it was wonderful. I can’t get his smile out of my head. I can hear his laugh, and it is so bitter sweet. I can’t help but wish I could share my day with him. Tell him about all the silly things going on. That my old boss got fired. That our retention rates went up 10%!! That’s HUGE! I know he would be so proud of me, and would be genuinely happy. I want to hear about his calls. Hear the funny stories about his kids. I want to talk to him about everything.. but I can’t. All I can do is dream. Blissful dreams.. nightmares. Happiness. Pain. Love. Anguish.
I miss him.