This week has been full of many things, but the most prominent has been the nightmares. My dreams have been getting quite vivid, and I have read it is a side effect of one of my meds. That is fine, except lately they have been turning gravely towards my fear and pain; both emotional and physical. I had a flare up on Friday, and upon going to the Dr, discovered I also had a small chunk of bone floating in my knee and some damaged ligaments. I am to go see an Orthopedic Surgeon in a few weeks, which is actually a good thing. It would be awesome to get rid of this knee pain. They are also testing my kidney and liver function, as there are signs of problems… maybe I should stop drinking, right? Right… We’ll wait for the results.
The most memorable part of my dreams are the emotions I felt during. The fear. The loss. The pain; again both physical and emotional. I’ve been beat, stabbed, taunted, and tortured. I have stood by and watched Jeff live his life with another woman, all the while my heart aching, but there is nothing I could do about it. Being taunted, and prodded about all of my failures in life. My love, my children, my body, my mind. Nothing was left untouched. I was stalked, and stabbed through my guts multiple times. The amount of fear I felt one night awoke me many times, and upon falling asleep the nightmare would only pick up where it left off. Many different scenarios, but always the same sense of fear and being utterly alone. Standing in the one place I never want to return to, walls torn down, I am out in the open. I can see my killer coming, but no matter how much I scream for help, nobody is coming. I can’t make him out, but I know it is him. I know he is coming, and he has no intention of letting me live. There are people all around, and I know they can hear me.. but nobody comes to rescue, or even acknowledges my pain. I try to leave, but I am trapped, though there are no walls to hold me.
I cannot describe the feeling of him wrapping his arm around my neck from behind, and sliding his blade through my body. I could feel the blade tearing through me, and protrude out the front. I felt the tip of the blade with my fingers; his breath on my ear as he spat his taunting words at me. How could I be immobilized with fear in my own mind? The pressure inside my body grows, and the blade in my side aches. He released me, but only to watch me die. That’s when I would wake in a sweat. Stomach turning, heart rate through the roof, body aching. As much as I would try to fight, my body was so exhausted, I would slip right back into sleep, and into a new scenario of fleeing. Pet stores, clothing stores, homes, hotels; it didn’t matter! He came for me, and he only had one intention: To kill me.
Now, this may sound ridiculous, but as my dreams have gotten more and more intense, the feelings linger for days. It has been two days since I had the dream about my killer, and I still feel anxiety when I recall the horrible night of pain. My dreams of Jeff come and go, and each one being different. Last night I dreamt he changed his entire persona. Became a completely different person, just to please the new girl he was with. He moved in with her quickly, and began a life that I longed for with him. He shoved it in my face, and told me of how I was unworthy of such love from him, but how deserving she was. I begged him to stop, but I was stuck in place. Immobilized once again, and just taking every ounce of pain he threw at me. He showed off how much his children loved her, how much his family loved her, and they all gathered around to mock and destroy me. I stood in tears, and between sobs asked them to stop. The amount of shame, loss, and hurt I felt cannot be described. I was surprised when I woke and found myself crying. Crying in your sleep is such an odd thing to me, as I could tell it had been happening for awhile. Why didn’t I wake up?
I am sore this morning; Pain aching through my entire body. I feel emotionally beat and battered, and it concerns me that my own mind has done this to me. Not only is my body attacking itself, but now my mind is torturing me as well during the time I am supposed to be recovering? I have not been this emotionally free for years, and yet now my mind is trapping itself yet again. The anxiety I have been feeling during the day is directly spawned from the nightmares I have been having. How do I stop these feelings of pain when my body and mind are both attacking themselves? What can I do to free myself from this internal torture? It is my own mind doing this to me, so there has to be a way to stop this… but how?