Forgetful

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I have always been a bit of a forgetful person. I would lose my keys, or misplace something almost daily. I have to set alarms for certain activities, and would forget to pay my bills until a pink slip comes. Now that I have to remember to take my medications a few times a day, it is vital that I get a grasp on this forgetfulness. If I don’t, there can be trouble.

Guess what? I forgot.

Now, I didn’t forget all of them; just one. But it is my pain/anti-inflammatory pill I forgot. For two days. I fill my pill sorter out every Sunday morning, putting the pills in each day one at a time, double checking to be sure they are even! I have been very meticulous about this for months now! But with me feeling a bit better, against my better judgement, I let something slide. As I was popping my pills into each day, I realized I fell short on my meloxicam. I have all of my pills auto refill at my local pharmacy, and I had gotten a text yesterday saying my pills were ready. I will remember, no big deal. Except it is a big deal, especially because I forgot. COMPLETELY!!

Fast forward to Wednesday, and I am suddenly feeling a bit tense, and sore. I thought perhaps I had accidentally eaten something that was contaminated with gluten, and I would just need to brush it off, and keep going. By the time I got home from work and was done running my errands, I was couch ridden. I figured a bit of rest, and I would be good. I drank some wine, and hung out with my friend Hank. We watched a horror movie for a bit, and just talked. I was feeling better by the time he went home, and made my way to bed. I woke multiple times during the night due to pain, and discomfort, but this is pretty normal for me.

Then morning came. Oh.. morning. I woke in a surprisingly good mood, and though I was still and sore, I figured after my coffee and morning meds, that I would be fine. Boy, was I wrong!! As the day went on, I got more and more sluggish. I kept dropping everything. Forgetting what I was doing, and by the time lunch hour rolled around, I was miserable. My hands were swollen and painful. My fingers were almost twice their normal size, and purple. My legs and feet felt like they were going to pop, and I felt all around terrible. My bones ached… My right arm killed, and my right knee throbbed. I called my Dr to see what I could do about the pain and discomfort. I had to leave a message. I sat at my desk, feet swelling, hands aching, head throbbing. UGH! I tried to focus. I considered going home. Then I gathered everything I had left in me and got back to work.

I pushed myself through the day, forcing a smile so I could even fool myself into believing I was ok. I could feel my whole body swelling up and aching, but I just kept going. As silly as it sounds, there are times I feel like a hero. Pushing my way through the depths of pain for the sake of… SEO? Uggh… For the sake of being able to keep a roof over my children’s heads. Clothes on their backs. To do it all by myself. All. By. Myself. Now there’s a concept we will have to come back to…
Once home, I laid down on my couch, and told my oldest that I was sick. Tonight she would be making any food for my two younger daughters, and we would be picking a family movie to watch together. It was going to be a quiet, simple night. She agreed and we went about getting things in place. After laying down for about 20 minutes, getting back up was harder than I had expected. My hips screamed! My legs throbbed, and my feet felt like they were being pumped with blood. My fingers stiffened up, and my stomach turned. Then it dawned on me: I FORGOT MY PILLS!

It is so funny (and sad) to think that missing one little pill each day has such an effect on me. I guess I have forgotten how painful rheumatoid arthritis can really be, since I have been getting better and better over the last 3 months or so. Now I am nearly in tears because I forgot one of my many medications.. twice. Forty-eight hours. That’s it. I can only imagine what it would have felt like if it had been my plaquenil. (That’s a scary thought) So many people take advantage of their healthy lives. The fact that they can make it through a day without even thinking of pain at all. They gripe about a stubbed toe, or a hang nail. They complain about something in their eye, or eating too much so now their stomach hurts. So much menial, and temporary pain blown out of proportion, that when people have real pain it goes swept under the rug. “She’s being dramatic” – “She just wants attention” – “She is over reacting” – So now here I sit on my bed, legs half numb, hands tingling as I write this blog (that has taken me over an hour to right because I have had to stop multiple times to let my hands rest). Sometimes I wish I could make them feel what I feel. Let the pain sink deep into their bones, and watch them as they cry out in pain. I would never truly wish this pain on anyone else, but I just.. I wish they knew.

Tonight I feel very alone. Nobody wants to come and hang out with the sick girl, or even sit by my side while I watch TV and suffer. If I am not fun, I am not visited. It’s nights like these that I wish I was still with Jeff. Not that he would emotionally support me and make me feel better, but that I could at least snuggle up next to him and benefit from the physical contact. Jeff wasn’t a big cuddler during the last few months we were together, and my constant requests for contact seemed to annoy him; but if he were here, at least I wouldn’t be alone. I am aware that is no way to think, but I cannot help but long for the company of someone… anyone… who can just hold me until I fall asleep.

I should be less forgetful..

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