I want, I want, I want.

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Here I sit at the front desk, covering for our Executive Assistant while she takes lunch. Preparing for a Go To Meeting I have with our website build team, and hoping that I am going to be able to leave in time to pick my daughter up from school. I am spending the day auditing my sales team, and wondering what it is I am going to do with myself in general. I dropped my phone in my tub last night (I am an idiot, so just leave it at that), I was up until 4:30am, thoughts running through my head, and pain searing through my body. I had spent the better part of my night with a man I have zero interest in, and honestly find completely unappealing in general. He is your standard loser. Lives at home with his mom, has zero style what so ever (He wore khaki cargo pants and a FEDORA to meet me for the first time), and has the most obnoxious mannerisms ever. He went off on big corporation, how much he is anti Microsoft, but is ok with Sony… and is pro Google.

Jonah_Hill_-_001I honestly didn’t care what he had to say within the first 2 minutes of meeting him, yet he spent over 2 hours at my house. Chit chatting, and just having general conversation. Not saying that he is a bad person.. just someone I would rather not spend my time with. He had nothing to say that peaked my interest. He stared at my chest, and adjusted his pants every few minutes. It was obvious that he was aroused almost the whole time. It was disgusting, but it was nice to talk to someone. I just rambled on and on about anything I wanted to, and he let me. Of course he did, right? He was lucky to be in my presence, right? I wanted him to leave, and kept making hints, but he didn’t pick up on it. When I finally asked him to leave, he lingered for another 10 minutes. When I escorted him to the door, and gave him a courtesy hug, he still lingered. I slowly closed my door, and he was still standing 6 inches from it, staring at me. Leaning in. Wanting more…. O_O – Gross. I locked my door immediately after it closed, and turned off the outside light. He finally got the hint, and about 30 seconds later, was off my doorstep.

I went to my computer and found something I did not expect. An email from Jeff’s new girlfriend. Hmmm… I read through it, and by the end I was both fuming and laughing. Such a naive young girl. She told me of her mother’s recent passing, and I felt genuine empathy for her. But other than that, the email was completely ridiculous, off base, and insanely ignorant. She told me to stay tough. That I will find my happiness, and she told me how she understood how hard it was to break up, but I will be ok. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a thing being directed at me from someone so young, inexperienced, and unaware of who Jeff really is. I wanted to tear her world apart! To tell her what a child she was, and rip into her…. but I didn’t. What good is that going to do? Besides, in all of her naive ways, I am sure she is just trying to feel better about the situation and make her version of “amends” for the suffering she knows was caused by her introduction.

woman-reading-emailsI decided the best thing to do was to write exactly what I wanted to say to her in my frustration. To rip her to shreds, and bring her to light on every heart wrenching, back stabbing, CRUEL things that I had in store for her. I wrote and I wrote and I WROTE! Paragraph, after paragraph until all the frustration was gone. I reread what I had written. I read it again. And again. I read it over and over until I was in tears! Then… I deleted it. I took a deep breath, and I shut out all of my anger. All of my pain for my loss. I know that Jeff and I would never have worked, regardless of how much we tried. I put myself in her shoes, and thought of what it must be like for her side. I imagined what it was like when I first met Jeff, and how swept up I was by him. His smile, his comforting ways. I remembered how wonderful it was the first time I accepted my feelings for him, and I let it all go. That is what she is feeling now, and that is ok.

I know that right now I want to have a great relationship. I honestly want to find someone to spend my life with, though I know I am not quite ready. I want to start any new relationship off with a solid friendship, and take it from there. Will I meet this person at a public place? Online? Will he be my neighbor, my friend, a friend of a friend? I have no idea. I don’t want to let myself get swept up in a false image of love, like I did with Jeff. I don’t want to end up broken hearted, and torn apart by losing someone I likely never should have been with from the start. I wish that I had become friends with him first, though I am not sure that would have changed anything. I was in a very vulnerable state, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever wanted to fall for anyone. I don’t want that fall again, though. I want REAL. I want tangible. I want pure love, and a partner. I want to be a TEAM.

I have been lead to believe that wanting things from a relationship is selfish. That I can only give, and have no expectations on return. That I WANT is not to be uttered, and you are not to “want” from others. Especially your spouse. “It’s never good enough” was something Jeff constantly said to me, as though every action was the end all of actions. That tomorrow didn’t bring a whole new set of needs. A whole new set of minor situations. As if having needs, having wants, day after day meant that the previous days accomplishments were diminished. Were tarnished, and completely useless. I found this mentality so strange, and hard to deal with. You know what? Today.. I want.. I need.. I am. I am a person, and I am willing to GIVE as much as I get. I am willing to give and give and give! But I also need someone to accept that just because I am ok today doesn’t mean I will be ok tomorrow. Just because my bones ache today, doesn’t mean the love you gave yesterday wasn’t good enough. One day at a time. I want to take life ONE day at a time. I want… time.

I want.. I want.. I want.

Biting myself.

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I woke up late today. Well, later than I wanted to. My youngest is away at her paternal grandparent’s for the next few days because I am unable to pay my deductible for my childcare right now. This means they have suspended my account, and my children are not allowed to go back until I make a payment. Not exactly the best thing to deal with, and just another lump in the pile of coal that is my life. I refer to it as a pile of coal because I am almost positive it is going to go up in flames at any moment. My financial situation hasn’t been the best since I got sick; not that I was flying high before, but being a single mother and sick for the last few years has put a strain on my income. I know I had Jeff to help me from time to time, but I paid him back every cent he ever loaned me. Minus the random times he decided that whatever gesture he made was a gift, but I did the same for him.

3I have been missing Jeff quite a bit the last week, and thinking of him often. Not in a romantic way, but just in a way.. I can’t explain. It is like a piece of me is missing, and I didn’t even realize I had cut it out until it was too late. I did it. I cut him out. I took a knife and I removed him from myself. From my life. From everything. Yes, I am still aware of all the things he did while we were together, but that really doesn’t matter. I miss my friend. My best friend, and I don’t think I will ever replace him with anyone. Not the way I felt just hanging out with him. The ease of conversation (when the conversation was platonic), and all the fun we had. That sounds so silly to me right now, as just a few weeks ago I was still SO angry with him. Angry with myself. Angry in general.

Now that I have been able to get a grip on myself, on my illness, and on my situation, I have begun to try to pick up the pieces that I threw everywhere in the fit that was the following few weeks after diagnosis. I am not sure I have EVER lashed out like that in my entire life, and it pains me to know I can never fix things. I can never work the days I missed. Undo the things I did. Unsay the hateful words that spewed from me. Not just towards Jeff, but anyone who happened to get on my bad side during that time. People seem to forgive me a lot, and for that I am so very lucky. I have days when I feel like I have not a soul in this world who cares for me, or understands what I am going through. Then I look around and I realize that I am a person with MANY, many faults.. and those around me.. love me anyway. They forgive me for my harsh moments. For my snaps, my barks, and sometimes even my bites. For that I am lucky. But I keep biting people. I keep biting myself.

dog-growling-shutterstock_109331033I KEEP BITING! I keep hurting people. I keep hurting myself. Self destruction and pain is something I am very good at doing. I am terrible at accepting and giving love to those around me, and now that I am sick it is even worse. I feel weak. Vulnerable. I feel like even more now than ever, I have to prove I can do it on my own! I push those away who want to be close to me, and spend my time with people who don’t care for me the way those I pushed away do. I see the concern on my coworkers faces as I limp around the office. I see them cringe as I sit down and you can HEAR the crackling in my knees. They care. Yet, I don’t allow myself to really get close to them. I am keeping everyone at such a superficial distance. Why? Because I am biting myself.

I can’t help it. I have no idea why I do it, and it is hard to stop. It is a fault of mine I have always have, and have no idea how to fix. I just keep biting. Some forgive me, and some don’t. I have been given more forgiveness than I even deserve, and I have selfishly emailed Jeff asking the same. Asking for his forgiveness for all the terrible things I said and did to him. I feel awful. Will he forgive me? No. I know he won’t, but I said sorry anyway. I apologized to his ex wife as well. I feel awful for the trouble I caused during my relationship with Jeff, and I feel awful for how rude I was to her. She was awful about me, but I was awful TO her. I was awful about her to Jeff, and it caused a bigger rift between them than ever would have existed if it weren’t for me. I bit him. I bit her. I bite. I bite people left and right, and they keep forgiving me for it. But at the end of the day.. I need to stop biting. Stop biting everyone around me. Stop..

Biting myself.

Every day…

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Today I went to work. I went to work, and I was sore. I was sore, and miserable, and tired. I was exhausted the WHOLE day, and kept losing track of what I was doing. But I went. I got work done, and I was productive, even in my spaced out state. My knees are killing me, and I can barely walk. I have pain in every joint, and my hands have locked up multiple times today. I have broken out all over my chest, and I am cramping like crazy. But I went to work. I worked all day. I did my training, and I was good at it.

RBB-B04150B - © - rubberballI kept thinking about my future today. As I called and make an MRI appointment for next month, I kept thinking about what they will find. No matter what it is, it is a step towards recovery. Right? Even if there is a large amount of damage, I can do this. I can get through this pain. I can push myself into being healthy. Into being me again. Limited? Yes. But me all the same. Right now I am forcing myself to finish this simple post. I have taken muscle relaxers, and I am heading off to bed.. but I wanted to remind myself that I did it. That I can do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.

I can do it every day.

Pity Party For One

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Warning: I am going to share too much personal bodily function information in this blog.. so.. read at your own risk.

Today I am having a pity party for one. It is like a college frat party; vomiting, blood, disorientation. Everything but binge drinking and sex. Right now I am sitting in my living room watching “Orange is The New Black” and recovering from my most recent trip to the bathroom. Two nights ago I let a friend of mine cook me dinner, and take me to a movie. It was quite good! I checked the labels before he seasoned the steak. I double checked the labels of the sauces, of the dressings, of every last thing I ate! Yet, low and behold.. here I am. Day two of everything I eat coming out both ends. Gross, but true. I don’t have the heart to tell him, so he has no idea that he is the reason I am so sick. So I am having a pity party for one.

knee-pain-329x390Tuesday afternoon I went to see my Orthopedic surgeon. He let me know that there was quite a bit of damage behind both of my knee caps, and gave me a shot of cortisone in each. I can’t really describe the feeling of pressure and burning inside my knees that stemmed from these shots. I am in constant pain from the RA that I suffer from each day, which I treat with a variation of pain killers and anti inflammatory medication. Since I was aware that I would be driving, I decided that I shouldn’t take my medication, and would take it later. Long story short: Those shots hurt like fucking hell. I can barely walk, though the general pain has let up, the new pressure and discomfort (because so new) almost feels worse. So I am throwing a pity party for one.

Now here I sit.. knees full of cortisone, intense pressure, vomiting, diarrhea, full body aches, etc. Every time I vomit, my nose bleeds. Every time I use the toilet, it burns and I bleed. My food is coming out both ends. Blood coming out both ends. I am alone in my destroyed house, having a pity party for one. I am exhausted, sore, sick.. and bleeding. The weather has changed, and this causes my body to ache, due to irritating my RA. I accidentally ingested gluten, which caused horrible intestinal pain, and an RA flare up. The irritation and pain has raised my blood pressure, causing additional bleeding from my nose and my ass. I am due to start my period in the next few days, which is also exacerbating my intestinal pain, and will be more bleeding. So I am throwing a pity party for one.

4638308180_ea772ba8e0_mA pity party for one under the blanket my daughter was given during one of her many surgeries at Shiner’s Hospital. I am going to assume that due to the blood loss, and my body trying to keep up with everything going on inside is why I am freezing. My toes are cold, my fingers are numb, and I can’t keep from shaking. It has taken me over an hour to write this blog. Not due to a lack of knowing what to write, but because I have to physically stop typing and rest every minute or so. I have had to get up twice to express food and bleed.

So I am throwing a pity party for one.

None of them are for me..

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I have been trying to figure out what I want from myself right now. I am a mess. I am tired, I am sore, I am grumpy. My knees now click every time I take a step, but luckily I see an Orthopedic Surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I have gained 50 lbs since January, and I am so physically miserable. But what does that mean for me over all? What do I want from MYSELF? Am I really that unhappy with my body, or am I afraid that others will be unhappy and displeased with me? Am I afraid that someone else won’t love me for how I look because of all of the rejection and insults I have endured? Because of the expectations that are set for me? I want to be healthy, and I want to look good.. but more than that, I want someone to love me for how I am. Whether I am 300 lbs or 100 lbs, I want someone to be ok with that. No. Not just OK with that, but love me completely for how I am.

WaisttoHipRatioFrom my understanding of the illnesses I have, the medications I will be off and on for the rest of my life, and everything else that comes along, I will be dealing with a lot of changes. There will be weight fluctuations. There will be hormone changes. There will be additional problems in the future, and I will have struggles. But what does that mean for not only my love life, but my support system? Can I find someone who will love me and I will love back equally? Will things work out for me, and my children? I have no idea, but I know I want that.

The amount of emotional fluctuations with Jeff was insane. The emotional roller-coaster that was Jeff and his situation (mixed with mine) left me emotionally deprived. I longed (and still long) for more from that situation. After the breakup he told me all about how quickly he fell for me. How much he loved me, and wanted me. However, our entire relationship he was so distant and strange. He implied on a regular basis that he did NOT want to be with me, and did not enjoy our relationship. This put constant strain on everything we had, and caused a huge amount of insecurity. My insecurity fed into his, and it was just an ugly downward spiral from there. The amount of love I felt, and will always feel for him is more than I have ever felt for anyone, and as time goes on I realize that there were so many things right with us.. but just more things wrong.

couples-tattoos-i-love-him-i-love-herSo what I want now is to find someone who can love me as much as I can love them. I want an equal, caring, and supportive situation. I want to not only find my best friend, but my life partner. That may sound cheesy, and silly at this point.. but I really need to get myself there. I have three girls at home who rely on me. I have an entire office of people who rely on me. Who do I have to rely on? That is where it ends. Now, don’t get me wrong! I get plenty of support and satisfaction from my children and my work, but something is missing. I know that someone is missing from my life, and that he is out there. I know I can find what I need, and BE what someone needs from me. There is a fitting puzzle piece out there for me, and I want to find him. Whether that is tomorrow, next week, a year, or five years from now, I am going to find him! What does that mean for my current love interests? It means that they are not “love” interests. Nobody has given me that special feeling. Even though Josh was such a fun person to be around, it’s just not there. Joel? Joey? Anyone? No. It’s just not there, and none of them are the one for me. But I won’t give up. I will find that special someone that I can share my life with one day, and who will want to share theirs with me just as much.

Call me a hopeless romantic.. but I will find him.

I miss him

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Today I have been feeling very sorrowful. I had bad dreams again last night.. all about Jeff. I don’t know what is going on inside my head, but I can’t seem to get him out of my dreams. Every time I close my eyes and drift off to dreamland, there he is. Taunting me. Loving me. Hurting me. I wake up with horribly mixed feelings, but one overtakes the rest. Sorrow. The loss of someone I love. Loved? No.. love. I don’t think I will ever stop loving that man, regardless of what goes on in my life. Do I want to see him? No. Not yet. Do I want to talk to him? Every minute of every day.. but I can’t. It is not the right time, if ever it will be, I don’t even know.

120102074341-woman-belly-fat-alzheimer-s-black-white-story-topMy whole body was swollen today. I woke up at 7:15 this morning, exhausted and so puffy, I almost didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I slipped my night clothes off, and stood in front of the mirror. This is the biggest I have been in about 8 years. My whole body is bloated, swollen, and fat. Underneath all of this blob, I know I have a lovely body. I remember how my curves feel. I have a great shape, smooth skin, and the color of the skin hidden by clothing is milky, and silky. But this.. blob.. I am right now. I don’t even know who that is. I stood there for at least five minutes, examining myself. Red blotches all over my belly, chest, and arms. What a lovely side effect of being me right now. Sores across my shoulders. Black circles around my eyes, and lips too puffy for my liking. My cheeks are like little baby cheeks, but stiff and itch. My toes aren’t touching the floor, though my bulbous body is pressing as hard as it can. I can barely even open my hands, and as I look down I can see they are purple and white. This is my life now.

As I went on with my day, trying to ignore how I was feelings (both physically and emotionally), I realized something. It is ok to still love Jeff. It is ok to worry about him. To hope that he is ok, even though I am still so hurt, and the thought of him with someone else makes my ache in a way I never knew before. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I do love him. I love his kids. His strange, quiet, emotionally withdrawn kids. I miss their little faces. I miss the random questions and comments. I miss waking up to them, making them pancakes, and playing kitchen. I miss them. I miss him… and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, even if you can’t be around them anymore. My sorrow for my health is ok. My sorrow for Jeff is ok. I just need to get up every day, and carry on. I need to keep going, keep pushing myself, keep trying to get better. I need to let go of the bitterness, and just let myself feel the love. If he is happier now, who am I to be upset about that? Don’t I want him to be happy?

bald-man-bedDo I want Jeff to be happy? Yes. Very much so yes. Does it hurt to think of him coming out of his depression for someone else, when I longed for him to come to light with me? Yes. But you know what? How he comes out of it should be irrelevant. It just matters that he does, right? I would love to see him down the road when we are both healed and see him happy. I have seen flashed and glimpses of a happy Jeff, and it was wonderful. I can’t get his smile out of my head. I can hear his laugh, and it is so bitter sweet. I can’t help but wish I could share my day with him. Tell him about all the silly things going on. That my old boss got fired. That our retention rates went up 10%!! That’s HUGE! I know he would be so proud of me, and would be genuinely happy. I want to hear about his calls. Hear the funny stories about his kids. I want to talk to him about everything.. but I can’t. All I can do is dream. Blissful dreams.. nightmares. Happiness. Pain. Love. Anguish.

I miss him.