I want, I want, I want.

Here I sit at the front desk, covering for our Executive Assistant while she takes lunch. Preparing for a Go To Meeting I have with our website build team, and hoping that I am going to be able to leave in time to pick my daughter up from school. I am spending the day auditing my sales team, and wondering what it is I am going to do with myself in general. I dropped my phone in my tub last night (I am an idiot, so just leave it at that), I was up until 4:30am, thoughts running through my head, and pain searing through my body. I had spent the better part of my night with a man I have zero interest in, and honestly find completely unappealing in general. He is your standard loser. Lives at home with his mom, has zero style what so ever (He wore khaki cargo pants and a FEDORA to meet me for the first time), and has the most obnoxious mannerisms ever. He went off on big corporation, how much he is anti Microsoft, but is ok with Sony… and is pro Google.

Jonah_Hill_-_001I honestly didn’t care what he had to say within the first 2 minutes of meeting him, yet he spent over 2 hours at my house. Chit chatting, and just having general conversation. Not saying that he is a bad person.. just someone I would rather not spend my time with. He had nothing to say that peaked my interest. He stared at my chest, and adjusted his pants every few minutes. It was obvious that he was aroused almost the whole time. It was disgusting, but it was nice to talk to someone. I just rambled on and on about anything I wanted to, and he let me. Of course he did, right? He was lucky to be in my presence, right? I wanted him to leave, and kept making hints, but he didn’t pick up on it. When I finally asked him to leave, he lingered for another 10 minutes. When I escorted him to the door, and gave him a courtesy hug, he still lingered. I slowly closed my door, and he was still standing 6 inches from it, staring at me. Leaning in. Wanting more…. O_O – Gross. I locked my door immediately after it closed, and turned off the outside light. He finally got the hint, and about 30 seconds later, was off my doorstep.

I went to my computer and found something I did not expect. An email from Jeff’s new girlfriend. Hmmm… I read through it, and by the end I was both fuming and laughing. Such a naive young girl. She told me of her mother’s recent passing, and I felt genuine empathy for her. But other than that, the email was completely ridiculous, off base, and insanely ignorant. She told me to stay tough. That I will find my happiness, and she told me how she understood how hard it was to break up, but I will be ok. I couldn’t help but laugh at such a thing being directed at me from someone so young, inexperienced, and unaware of who Jeff really is. I wanted to tear her world apart! To tell her what a child she was, and rip into her…. but I didn’t. What good is that going to do? Besides, in all of her naive ways, I am sure she is just trying to feel better about the situation and make her version of “amends” for the suffering she knows was caused by her introduction.

woman-reading-emailsI decided the best thing to do was to write exactly what I wanted to say to her in my frustration. To rip her to shreds, and bring her to light on every heart wrenching, back stabbing, CRUEL things that I had in store for her. I wrote and I wrote and I WROTE! Paragraph, after paragraph until all the frustration was gone. I reread what I had written. I read it again. And again. I read it over and over until I was in tears! Then… I deleted it. I took a deep breath, and I shut out all of my anger. All of my pain for my loss. I know that Jeff and I would never have worked, regardless of how much we tried. I put myself in her shoes, and thought of what it must be like for her side. I imagined what it was like when I first met Jeff, and how swept up I was by him. His smile, his comforting ways. I remembered how wonderful it was the first time I accepted my feelings for him, and I let it all go. That is what she is feeling now, and that is ok.

I know that right now I want to have a great relationship. I honestly want to find someone to spend my life with, though I know I am not quite ready. I want to start any new relationship off with a solid friendship, and take it from there. Will I meet this person at a public place? Online? Will he be my neighbor, my friend, a friend of a friend? I have no idea. I don’t want to let myself get swept up in a false image of love, like I did with Jeff. I don’t want to end up broken hearted, and torn apart by losing someone I likely never should have been with from the start. I wish that I had become friends with him first, though I am not sure that would have changed anything. I was in a very vulnerable state, and I fell hard. Harder than I ever wanted to fall for anyone. I don’t want that fall again, though. I want REAL. I want tangible. I want pure love, and a partner. I want to be a TEAM.

I have been lead to believe that wanting things from a relationship is selfish. That I can only give, and have no expectations on return. That I WANT is not to be uttered, and you are not to “want” from others. Especially your spouse. “It’s never good enough” was something Jeff constantly said to me, as though every action was the end all of actions. That tomorrow didn’t bring a whole new set of needs. A whole new set of minor situations. As if having needs, having wants, day after day meant that the previous days accomplishments were diminished. Were tarnished, and completely useless. I found this mentality so strange, and hard to deal with. You know what? Today.. I want.. I need.. I am. I am a person, and I am willing to GIVE as much as I get. I am willing to give and give and give! But I also need someone to accept that just because I am ok today doesn’t mean I will be ok tomorrow. Just because my bones ache today, doesn’t mean the love you gave yesterday wasn’t good enough. One day at a time. I want to take life ONE day at a time. I want… time.

I want.. I want.. I want.

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Biting myself.

I woke up late today. Well, later than I wanted to. My youngest is away at her paternal grandparent’s for the next few days because I am unable to pay my deductible for my childcare right now. This means they have suspended my account, and my children are not allowed to go back until I make a payment. Not exactly the best thing to deal with, and just another lump in the pile of coal that is my life. I refer to it as a pile of coal because I am almost positive it is going to go up in flames at any moment. My financial situation hasn’t been the best since I got sick; not that I was flying high before, but being a single mother and sick for the last few years has put a strain on my income. I know I had Jeff to help me from time to time, but I paid him back every cent he ever loaned me. Minus the random times he decided that whatever gesture he made was a gift, but I did the same for him.

3I have been missing Jeff quite a bit the last week, and thinking of him often. Not in a romantic way, but just in a way.. I can’t explain. It is like a piece of me is missing, and I didn’t even realize I had cut it out until it was too late. I did it. I cut him out. I took a knife and I removed him from myself. From my life. From everything. Yes, I am still aware of all the things he did while we were together, but that really doesn’t matter. I miss my friend. My best friend, and I don’t think I will ever replace him with anyone. Not the way I felt just hanging out with him. The ease of conversation (when the conversation was platonic), and all the fun we had. That sounds so silly to me right now, as just a few weeks ago I was still SO angry with him. Angry with myself. Angry in general.

Now that I have been able to get a grip on myself, on my illness, and on my situation, I have begun to try to pick up the pieces that I threw everywhere in the fit that was the following few weeks after diagnosis. I am not sure I have EVER lashed out like that in my entire life, and it pains me to know I can never fix things. I can never work the days I missed. Undo the things I did. Unsay the hateful words that spewed from me. Not just towards Jeff, but anyone who happened to get on my bad side during that time. People seem to forgive me a lot, and for that I am so very lucky. I have days when I feel like I have not a soul in this world who cares for me, or understands what I am going through. Then I look around and I realize that I am a person with MANY, many faults.. and those around me.. love me anyway. They forgive me for my harsh moments. For my snaps, my barks, and sometimes even my bites. For that I am lucky. But I keep biting people. I keep biting myself.

dog-growling-shutterstock_109331033I KEEP BITING! I keep hurting people. I keep hurting myself. Self destruction and pain is something I am very good at doing. I am terrible at accepting and giving love to those around me, and now that I am sick it is even worse. I feel weak. Vulnerable. I feel like even more now than ever, I have to prove I can do it on my own! I push those away who want to be close to me, and spend my time with people who don’t care for me the way those I pushed away do. I see the concern on my coworkers faces as I limp around the office. I see them cringe as I sit down and you can HEAR the crackling in my knees. They care. Yet, I don’t allow myself to really get close to them. I am keeping everyone at such a superficial distance. Why? Because I am biting myself.

I can’t help it. I have no idea why I do it, and it is hard to stop. It is a fault of mine I have always have, and have no idea how to fix. I just keep biting. Some forgive me, and some don’t. I have been given more forgiveness than I even deserve, and I have selfishly emailed Jeff asking the same. Asking for his forgiveness for all the terrible things I said and did to him. I feel awful. Will he forgive me? No. I know he won’t, but I said sorry anyway. I apologized to his ex wife as well. I feel awful for the trouble I caused during my relationship with Jeff, and I feel awful for how rude I was to her. She was awful about me, but I was awful TO her. I was awful about her to Jeff, and it caused a bigger rift between them than ever would have existed if it weren’t for me. I bit him. I bit her. I bite. I bite people left and right, and they keep forgiving me for it. But at the end of the day.. I need to stop biting. Stop biting everyone around me. Stop..

Biting myself.

Every day…

Today I went to work. I went to work, and I was sore. I was sore, and miserable, and tired. I was exhausted the WHOLE day, and kept losing track of what I was doing. But I went. I got work done, and I was productive, even in my spaced out state. My knees are killing me, and I can barely walk. I have pain in every joint, and my hands have locked up multiple times today. I have broken out all over my chest, and I am cramping like crazy. But I went to work. I worked all day. I did my training, and I was good at it.

RBB-B04150B - © - rubberballI kept thinking about my future today. As I called and make an MRI appointment for next month, I kept thinking about what they will find. No matter what it is, it is a step towards recovery. Right? Even if there is a large amount of damage, I can do this. I can get through this pain. I can push myself into being healthy. Into being me again. Limited? Yes. But me all the same. Right now I am forcing myself to finish this simple post. I have taken muscle relaxers, and I am heading off to bed.. but I wanted to remind myself that I did it. That I can do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day.

I can do it every day.

Pity Party For One

Warning: I am going to share too much personal bodily function information in this blog.. so.. read at your own risk.

Today I am having a pity party for one. It is like a college frat party; vomiting, blood, disorientation. Everything but binge drinking and sex. Right now I am sitting in my living room watching “Orange is The New Black” and recovering from my most recent trip to the bathroom. Two nights ago I let a friend of mine cook me dinner, and take me to a movie. It was quite good! I checked the labels before he seasoned the steak. I double checked the labels of the sauces, of the dressings, of every last thing I ate! Yet, low and behold.. here I am. Day two of everything I eat coming out both ends. Gross, but true. I don’t have the heart to tell him, so he has no idea that he is the reason I am so sick. So I am having a pity party for one.

knee-pain-329x390Tuesday afternoon I went to see my Orthopedic surgeon. He let me know that there was quite a bit of damage behind both of my knee caps, and gave me a shot of cortisone in each. I can’t really describe the feeling of pressure and burning inside my knees that stemmed from these shots. I am in constant pain from the RA that I suffer from each day, which I treat with a variation of pain killers and anti inflammatory medication. Since I was aware that I would be driving, I decided that I shouldn’t take my medication, and would take it later. Long story short: Those shots hurt like fucking hell. I can barely walk, though the general pain has let up, the new pressure and discomfort (because so new) almost feels worse. So I am throwing a pity party for one.

Now here I sit.. knees full of cortisone, intense pressure, vomiting, diarrhea, full body aches, etc. Every time I vomit, my nose bleeds. Every time I use the toilet, it burns and I bleed. My food is coming out both ends. Blood coming out both ends. I am alone in my destroyed house, having a pity party for one. I am exhausted, sore, sick.. and bleeding. The weather has changed, and this causes my body to ache, due to irritating my RA. I accidentally ingested gluten, which caused horrible intestinal pain, and an RA flare up. The irritation and pain has raised my blood pressure, causing additional bleeding from my nose and my ass. I am due to start my period in the next few days, which is also exacerbating my intestinal pain, and will be more bleeding. So I am throwing a pity party for one.

4638308180_ea772ba8e0_mA pity party for one under the blanket my daughter was given during one of her many surgeries at Shiner’s Hospital. I am going to assume that due to the blood loss, and my body trying to keep up with everything going on inside is why I am freezing. My toes are cold, my fingers are numb, and I can’t keep from shaking. It has taken me over an hour to write this blog. Not due to a lack of knowing what to write, but because I have to physically stop typing and rest every minute or so. I have had to get up twice to express food and bleed.

So I am throwing a pity party for one.

None of them are for me..

I have been trying to figure out what I want from myself right now. I am a mess. I am tired, I am sore, I am grumpy. My knees now click every time I take a step, but luckily I see an Orthopedic Surgeon tomorrow afternoon. I have gained 50 lbs since January, and I am so physically miserable. But what does that mean for me over all? What do I want from MYSELF? Am I really that unhappy with my body, or am I afraid that others will be unhappy and displeased with me? Am I afraid that someone else won’t love me for how I look because of all of the rejection and insults I have endured? Because of the expectations that are set for me? I want to be healthy, and I want to look good.. but more than that, I want someone to love me for how I am. Whether I am 300 lbs or 100 lbs, I want someone to be ok with that. No. Not just OK with that, but love me completely for how I am.

WaisttoHipRatioFrom my understanding of the illnesses I have, the medications I will be off and on for the rest of my life, and everything else that comes along, I will be dealing with a lot of changes. There will be weight fluctuations. There will be hormone changes. There will be additional problems in the future, and I will have struggles. But what does that mean for not only my love life, but my support system? Can I find someone who will love me and I will love back equally? Will things work out for me, and my children? I have no idea, but I know I want that.

The amount of emotional fluctuations with Jeff was insane. The emotional roller-coaster that was Jeff and his situation (mixed with mine) left me emotionally deprived. I longed (and still long) for more from that situation. After the breakup he told me all about how quickly he fell for me. How much he loved me, and wanted me. However, our entire relationship he was so distant and strange. He implied on a regular basis that he did NOT want to be with me, and did not enjoy our relationship. This put constant strain on everything we had, and caused a huge amount of insecurity. My insecurity fed into his, and it was just an ugly downward spiral from there. The amount of love I felt, and will always feel for him is more than I have ever felt for anyone, and as time goes on I realize that there were so many things right with us.. but just more things wrong.

couples-tattoos-i-love-him-i-love-herSo what I want now is to find someone who can love me as much as I can love them. I want an equal, caring, and supportive situation. I want to not only find my best friend, but my life partner. That may sound cheesy, and silly at this point.. but I really need to get myself there. I have three girls at home who rely on me. I have an entire office of people who rely on me. Who do I have to rely on? That is where it ends. Now, don’t get me wrong! I get plenty of support and satisfaction from my children and my work, but something is missing. I know that someone is missing from my life, and that he is out there. I know I can find what I need, and BE what someone needs from me. There is a fitting puzzle piece out there for me, and I want to find him. Whether that is tomorrow, next week, a year, or five years from now, I am going to find him! What does that mean for my current love interests? It means that they are not “love” interests. Nobody has given me that special feeling. Even though Josh was such a fun person to be around, it’s just not there. Joel? Joey? Anyone? No. It’s just not there, and none of them are the one for me. But I won’t give up. I will find that special someone that I can share my life with one day, and who will want to share theirs with me just as much.

Call me a hopeless romantic.. but I will find him.

I miss him

Today I have been feeling very sorrowful. I had bad dreams again last night.. all about Jeff. I don’t know what is going on inside my head, but I can’t seem to get him out of my dreams. Every time I close my eyes and drift off to dreamland, there he is. Taunting me. Loving me. Hurting me. I wake up with horribly mixed feelings, but one overtakes the rest. Sorrow. The loss of someone I love. Loved? No.. love. I don’t think I will ever stop loving that man, regardless of what goes on in my life. Do I want to see him? No. Not yet. Do I want to talk to him? Every minute of every day.. but I can’t. It is not the right time, if ever it will be, I don’t even know.

120102074341-woman-belly-fat-alzheimer-s-black-white-story-topMy whole body was swollen today. I woke up at 7:15 this morning, exhausted and so puffy, I almost didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I slipped my night clothes off, and stood in front of the mirror. This is the biggest I have been in about 8 years. My whole body is bloated, swollen, and fat. Underneath all of this blob, I know I have a lovely body. I remember how my curves feel. I have a great shape, smooth skin, and the color of the skin hidden by clothing is milky, and silky. But this.. blob.. I am right now. I don’t even know who that is. I stood there for at least five minutes, examining myself. Red blotches all over my belly, chest, and arms. What a lovely side effect of being me right now. Sores across my shoulders. Black circles around my eyes, and lips too puffy for my liking. My cheeks are like little baby cheeks, but stiff and itch. My toes aren’t touching the floor, though my bulbous body is pressing as hard as it can. I can barely even open my hands, and as I look down I can see they are purple and white. This is my life now.

As I went on with my day, trying to ignore how I was feelings (both physically and emotionally), I realized something. It is ok to still love Jeff. It is ok to worry about him. To hope that he is ok, even though I am still so hurt, and the thought of him with someone else makes my ache in a way I never knew before. I don’t want to be with him anymore, but I do love him. I love his kids. His strange, quiet, emotionally withdrawn kids. I miss their little faces. I miss the random questions and comments. I miss waking up to them, making them pancakes, and playing kitchen. I miss them. I miss him… and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with loving someone, even if you can’t be around them anymore. My sorrow for my health is ok. My sorrow for Jeff is ok. I just need to get up every day, and carry on. I need to keep going, keep pushing myself, keep trying to get better. I need to let go of the bitterness, and just let myself feel the love. If he is happier now, who am I to be upset about that? Don’t I want him to be happy?

bald-man-bedDo I want Jeff to be happy? Yes. Very much so yes. Does it hurt to think of him coming out of his depression for someone else, when I longed for him to come to light with me? Yes. But you know what? How he comes out of it should be irrelevant. It just matters that he does, right? I would love to see him down the road when we are both healed and see him happy. I have seen flashed and glimpses of a happy Jeff, and it was wonderful. I can’t get his smile out of my head. I can hear his laugh, and it is so bitter sweet. I can’t help but wish I could share my day with him. Tell him about all the silly things going on. That my old boss got fired. That our retention rates went up 10%!! That’s HUGE! I know he would be so proud of me, and would be genuinely happy. I want to hear about his calls. Hear the funny stories about his kids. I want to talk to him about everything.. but I can’t. All I can do is dream. Blissful dreams.. nightmares. Happiness. Pain. Love. Anguish.

I miss him.

What I Wish People Knew About My Chronic Illness – by Ashley Boynes-Shuck

It is so nice to feel like I am not alone. YOU are not alone. WE are not alone!

There are many things that those of us who live with chronic illness have to contend with, and one of those things is the thoughts and opinions of others. While we should pay no mind to what others think of us, I, for one, would be lying if I said I didn’t worry  about what others thought of me and my conditions.

What I wish people knew about chronic illness is that it can be unpredictable. Case in point: on Saturday of this week, I was able to successfully compete in a Kettlebell competition followed by a nice, long bike ride. Last night I took a Zumba class. Today I was in tears, multiple times, due to  stomach discomfort and an absolutely debilitating migraine, and the frustration that comes with these things.

I wish people knew that, while one day, I may be fine, the next day, or next hour…

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Hypona.. what?

The last week has been such an up and down roller coaster for me, it’s been insanity. Just a few days ago I posted about my Dr’s visit, and what they had discovered. I have since made an appointment, and my blood work also came back. I was quite surprised at the results, as I have never heard of the cause of my back/kidney pain. Hyponatremia induced edema. A sodium deficiency that is causing full body swelling.

Wait. What?

That’s right, I am low in salt. Let’s define this:

Hyponatremia (American English) or hyponatraemia (British English) is an electrolyte disturbance in which the sodium ion concentration in the serum is lower than normal. Sodium is the dominant extracellular cation (positive ion) and cannot freely cross from the interstitial space through the cell membrane, into the cell. Its homeostasis (stability of concentration) inside the cell is vital to the normal function of any cell. Normal serum sodium levels are between 135 and 145 mEq/L. Hyponatremia is defined as a serum level of less than 135 mEq/L and is considered severe when the serum level is below 125 mEq/L.[1][2]
Many conditions including congestive heart failure, liver failure, kidney failure and pneumonia can have an associated hyponatremia. It can also be caused by overhydration from drinking too much water (polydipsia).
In the vast majority of cases, hyponatremia occurs as a result of excess body water diluting the serum sodium (salt level in the blood). Lack of sodium (salt) is very rarely the cause of hyponatremia, although it can promote hyponatremia indirectly. In particular, sodium loss can lead to a state of volume depletion (loss of blood volume in the body), with volume depletion serving as a signal for the release of ADH (anti-diuretic hormone).[citation needed] As a result of ADH-stimulated water retention (too much water in the body), blood sodium becomes diluted and hyponatremia results.

salt-reduction-strategies-low-saltMy sister asked the one question that was to come spilling out of everyone’s mouths (in various ways, of course); “How, as an American, can you be low in sodium?” Exactly. How can I be low in sodium. I eat a lot of salty foods, which I thought was bad for me, and I was planning on cutting back. In fact, when I told my Dr (and showed him) the swelling, he suggested I cut back on my salt intake, possibly almost completely, as during the summer that is what causes edema. In most cases. Come Monday morning when the labs came back, he was signing a totally different tune, and cancelled all my diuretic prescriptions he had recommended just days before. What does this mean for dear me? Well, it means I am to decrease my water intake, and up my salt intake. Ok… Well, the last few days I have found it to be easier said than done.

I am a big fan of salty foods, but when you have to limit your water intake AND up your salt intake, it can get quite frustrating. Have you ever eaten a bunch of corn chips, and then had that odd feeling in your mouth afterward? Almost a burning sensation as you can feel the salt drying up your saliva. Yeah.. I need to drink less than 34 oz of water a day, and have as much salt intake as possible. My levels are at 135, which is just at the peak of danger, however all of my other stats are on the low end as well. This puts me at risk to drop very quickly, which is acute hyponatremia. Let’s take a look at what that does!

In chronic hyponatremia, in which the blood sodium levels drop gradually over time, symptoms are typically less severe than with acute hyponatremia (a sudden drop in blood sodium level). Symptoms can be very nonspecific and can include:

headache,
confusion or altered mental state,
seizures, and
decreased consciousness which can proceed to coma and death.
Other possible symptoms include:

restlessness,
muscle spasms or cramps,
weakness, and tiredness.
Nausea and vomiting may accompany any of the symptoms.

Hmmmm… So, we may not know that my sodium levels have dropped dangerously low until I have a seizure, go into a coma, and die? Sweet.

stock-footage-sad-girl-sitting-in-the-middle-of-incredibly-dirty-beach-destroyed-nature-depressed-young-womanNow, I know I am being dramatic, but let’s look at the bigger picture here. I am 28 years old. I have 4 children, the oldest is 13 and the youngest is 3. I take care of 3 of them myself, and they all have different dead beat dads. I have been sick for over 2 years now. In and out of Dr’s offices. Back and forth from symptom to symptom. Treatment after treatment, after treatment. I am not trying to throw a pity party, as I am perfectly aware that there are others who have it MUCH worse, but here is where I hit a wall. I am alone. The only thing connecting my children to each other is me. What if something happens to me, and they get separated? Who is going to take care of them if I end up in the hospital? Who is going to be their guardian if I die? Why are these things that I have to worry about at only 28 years old?!?!

I am pretty open about my condition, and some people may even find me talking about my illness as obnoxious, but I do so because it makes me feel less alone. I am already alone at the end of the day, and I like to feel like I am less alone in my struggles. I acknowledge my swelling. I discuss my treatments. I go over what should be done if I start to experience a dangerous symptom. Luckily I work with people who have health education (one is still in school for it, and he is AWESOME to talk to about this stuff), and/or spouses with similar conditions. Most of them understand, and are very supportive. They don’t treat me any different, but don’t harass me when I am obviously having a low day. But at the end of the day.. when I go home and I curl up exhausted on my couch.. I am alone.

Now, I am aware that I had Jeff for two years. I am aware that he did plenty for me, and he was as supportive as he knew how to be. It would be nice to have his arms wrapped around me. To have him go to the pharmacy and pick up my pain meds when I can barely move. All of that would be nice.. but it wasn’t right. Neither of us were satisfied with what we had, and we were both unhappy on different levels. I miss my friend dearly, but I have come to realize I do not miss my “boyfriend”. The emotional turmoil that was being with Jeff was so very draining, that I still believe it actually made me sicker. Though I am going through some rough times, and continue to have more and more symptoms, I know that if I was still in a relationship with Jeff it would be much harder. That being said… I miss him. I miss talking to him every day. I miss the jokes. I miss my friend. I miss his laugh, his smile, and his odd humor. I miss the fake dirty looks, and the harmless threats. I miss watching our shows together, and then gushing over them later. I miss my friend, and there is nothing I can do to get him back. At least not right now.
I can hope and pray that the wounds will heal for both of us, and one day we can be friends again. I am not even sure if that is a possibility, as we have both been so awful to each other. I do know that right now.. it is just not time. But that doesn’t change the fact that I miss him.

confused-doctorToday after work I went to the pharmacy to fill a few more prescriptions. More and more drugs for my body. More and more money to keep myself functioning. When I add up the amount of money I am spending on my health, all the while still feeling so horrible (though IMMENSELY better than I did before), I can’t help but feel so sad. What have I done to deserve this? What did I do to my body that caused it to turn on itself so harshly, and continue to break down? I know I haven’t been to best to myself, but I see people who are preconditioned for horrible diseases, live terrible lives, and are healthier than anyone else I know. I can barely walk to and from the mailbox without aches and pains. I can’t run and play with my kids in the park. I can’t go bike riding. I can’t climb trees… so many things that I am missing out on because of this illness.

The amount of loneliness and sorrow that comes along with a chronic illness is overwhelming. I had no idea it was like this, and my heart aches for those out there who suffer as I do, and more. The looks I get from people. The acne looking blisters. The bruises that have no explanation. My grayish skin tone. Black circles around my eyes. Bloating up three sizes bigger than all of my best pants. I barely fit into my fat jeans, and even those hurt my swollen, achy thighs. These are only the visible symptoms. The pain and pressure that comes along with all of this is indescribable. I have never felt so alone in my entire life, and I don’t even know how I am going to handle this long term. As I stated before, I have not been this emotionally free in a long time, and there are PLENTY of good things going on in my life right now. That still doesn’t change the ache I have in my heart, the sorrow, and the pain of being alone. Of feeling like I will always be alone because of my illness, my past decisions, and my future. As I sit on the edge of my bed, whole bod aching, sobbing from the exhaustion, I can’t help but ask the universe for something. PLEASE… PLEASE… please..

Don’t make me do this alone.

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