Save Me from Myself

Last night an old friend came over to catch up and give me a full body massage. We spent about an hour on the couch talking about our kids before I even remembered I needed the massage. He has an adorable toddler, and though we have been friends for such a long time, bonding over parenthood is a new thing for us and is quite fantastic. Hanging out with him helped IMMENSELY! Spending time with someone I was so comfortable with, and trusted to help me with my tension was so relaxing. He has issues with his joints and muscles as well, so it was good to feel not so alone in this. We talked about the difficulties of movement, the expectations of adults, and how misunderstood invisible illnesses are. I was up until about midnight, and was surprisingly ecstatic when I got a late night text from Josh. I didn’t expect to hear from him until he was done running drills this week, but it gave me silly little butterflies to know that at the end of the day he is thinking of me. I blushed… I don’t blush.

This morning I woke up later than I expected; about an hour. I started to get dressed and decided that my shower could wait until tonight. I had showered before my massage last night, so I decided that at least I was clean enough, though I smell oddly like strawberries. My massage oils smell good. As I was getting ready, my two little girls were fighting over random things that small children fight over, and I would holler for them to get ready. My three year old started to cry, and I walked into her room just in time to see her vomit all over her bed. Great. The fun times of being a single mom, I now must decide what to do with my flu ridden toddler. I can’t call into work sick again; I have to work 40 hours a week to keep my insurance, and I am already 8 hours behind!! This would be a time I would call on Jeff and see if he could help me out, but that isn’t an option anymore. I am 100% alone in this, and it is my job to take care of my own problems. Zero outside support.

I got her into the tub while I finished getting myself and my six year old ready, contemplating what I would do. I couldn’t justify taking her into the daycare and risking her getting other kids sick! If she had what I had, it was likely she was going to vomit a few more times, and then sleep it off. Reluctantly, I decided to leave her home with my 13 year old. I work only 10 minutes away now, and if there was an emergency we have plenty of resources. My sisters, my neighbors, etc. She wasn’t so happy to cancel her teenage plans, but I really had no choice. I would just warn my boss that I may have to step out in an emergency. I headed out to work.

Halfway to work, my stomach started to turn. I had decided on tea this morning instead of coffee. My stomach was still quite upset, and I was running a fever, but I had too much to do to justify another day at home. My body still aches, and it hurts to press the clutch and shift my little Saturn into gear. With each turn, I feel a bit more light headed and gross. Taking sips of my tea, I convince myself that I can at least make it to work before losing any of my morning doses of medication. I needed to let them sit for at least an hour, right? Absorb as much as I could…. today would be worse if I vomit up all of my meds. By the time I got to work, my body was stiff again, and getting out of my car was difficult. I wonder how many people see me struggling and think it is because I am chubby. Look at that chunky girl trying to get out of her little car. What a fatass! She needs to lose weight! Little do they know that I have barely been able to eat for three days, but somehow managed to gain back 5 of the 9 lbs I lost last week. Swelling? Joints? Intestinal? Who cares? I can’t even try to control it anymore. My size doesn’t matter right now! My ability to push myself to be the woman I need to be is what matters! Being the badass bitch I am! My looks will come back in good time.

Limping my way into the building, I was able to keep from throwing up. Once inside, I put all of my gear down, and headed to the bathroom.. just in case. I was fine. It’s funny how keeping your meds down in the morning can feel like such a huge accomplishment! I decided not to let this get me down, but be proud of myself for getting out of bed, and not only coming to work, but to do it without losing my “breakfast”. It’s the little accomplishments in life!

The majority of my day consisted of updating materials and doing phone interviews with potential employees. They had already passed the first round of interviews, and I was to judge them on their SEO knowledge, as well as their phone presence. I much enjoy doing these types of interviews, as I get to ask as many questions as I want, and really get people to open up. I love seeing what kind of personality they are willing to show over the phone, rather then feel awkward getting questioned by a tattooed pierced girl who stop writing every 15 seconds to put her pen down and shake her hands. I don’t have to explain my odd behavior that stems from RA when people can’t see me. Today a fellow coworker suggested that at the end of each of my interviews, I have them tell me a joke. This was SO fun! I found that the people who scored high on my questionnaire also had the best jokes. I would then turn around and tell the joke to the rest of my team, and we would scale their joke on how well they would fit in.

During my random rounds of interviews, I started planning my date with a VERY persistent man; Hank. He has been pursuing me for about 6 weeks, but I have yet to feel comfortable enough to accept his advances. He is an MMA fighter, and after watching his BIO on youtube, I couldn’t figure out what he would want with a single mom with rheumatoid arthritis, celiac disease, and so much emotional baggage that I need a freight train to carry it. I told him all of my ailments, and insisted that I was not the girl that he wanted to pursue. The woman in his bio (now his ex wife) was a thin blond with big (Obviously fake) breasts, and just looked so perky. If he married that kind of woman, I don’t have any idea what he would do with me. I am NONE of the above, and would never want to be. I expressed this to him, and he STILL insists that he must at least meet me. “You wanna go on a date?” he continued to send me, regardless of my response, until I finally said yes. We are both decently bust people, so it looks like it may need to wait until next week, but I finally agreed to it. What is the worst that can happen? We go on a date and he realizes I am everything that I said I am and he is no longer interested? Big deal. I expect this to happen in general and would not be hurt in any form.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It is not that I do not think that I am good enough for him. What gets me is that based on what I have found about him online (Come on, he’s an MMA fighter. There’s plenty to Google, and that IS him in the photo above, btw) I am not the type of girl he would be and is generally interested. He sends me random photos, and voice clips of him singing to me. He insists I am smart, and beautiful. That he is going to be ever impressed with me regardless of what I say! Ok.. I accept this. However, what does he want with a damaged girl, regardless of how smart I am? He has his own life to worry about, and career. He doesn’t need someone like me dragging him down, and I am not looking for a relationship. I would NOT be interested in having him be my “serial snuggle buddy” either, especially after he was so persistent. My hands ache as I text him, informing him that he should get more flattering pictures indexed in Google, and maybe a few on the MMA stats websites he is on. (Now he accuses ME of being the stalker. Funny, funny) I can’t help but think about how strong his body must be. I wonder if during his fights (30 wins vs 20 losses) if his pain compares to mine, or mine to his. Perhaps I could bond with someone who understands what pain really is, though his is just temporary? Is this what I want to do? I think I am over thinking it…

I put my phone down, and immediately get a text. Wow. That was fast! He must be really serious about this date! But it wasn’t him. My face lights up as I see it is a text from Josh. Ugh… why am I lighting up? Not only did I not expect to hear from him until Friday, but now he has text me twice in less than 24 hours? It’s a picture of him taking a break, obviously exhausted. My heart aches for his poor exhausted body, and I realized something. I might ACTUALLY have feelings for this guy. But I barely know him.. I guess we will see how I feel by Friday. I text him back telling him I was sorry he hurts. A few moments later he texts me again. Is he seriously taking his mid day break to talk to me? He even told me himself that I would not hear from him until at least Thursday night. Butterflies again. I find myself wanting to comfort him; snuggle up and kiss him affectionately. Dammit. Stupid feelings.

My thoughts go back to my illness. Josh knows about my illness, and even saw my pharmacy I have on the end table next to my bed. The first aid kit I keep on my lamp table for my random sores I get. My under cleaned and over crowded house. The fact that I have to shift every 15-20 minutes to keep my body from aching and going numb… and he didn’t care. He’s an attractive man, and I have NO doubt could get a date with many girls with much less baggage and problems than me. What was it that had him texting me, and wanting to talk to me at all hours of the night? I know that sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit, but after my failed relationship with Jeff I feel quite inadequate. He immediately went and found himself a FULL replacement for me, even acknowledging her as his girlfriend from the beginning, though he wouldn’t me. But again, that says a lot about him and not me, right? It takes a strong man to love a broken woman, and an even stronger woman to admit she is broken. Jeff wasn’t strong enough to be what I needed, and my trying to make myself into what he wanted me to be wore me out more than anything. But Josh.. He is coming in when I am at a very low point, and is still very interested in me. So is Hank.. and Joel.. and Joey. Are these men only out for one thing? Are they just trying to take advantage of a broken girl in a crappy situation? I feel like they would be better off and have better luck trying to get their kicks elsewhere. What is it about me that makes men so intrigued, and then want to run away after a few years? Do they expect everything that draws them in to go away? Do I attract the men with a hero complex? Do they want to save me? Save me from my life? Save me from myself?

Only I can save me from myself..