Tonight I am angry. Angry because I am sick. Angry because I have been sitting too long in one place, and it is going to HURT like hell to move. Angry because I am chugging wine to make it easier to make it up the stairs so I can go to bed. Angry because the man I loved, the man I DEDICATED myself to for two years won’t leave things alone. He contacts me constantly about this blog. He makes commentary to me via text, and I decided when I first discovered he reads this that I will not censor myself just because he chooses to e-stalk me. He causes his own pain. Now, with that he throws everything he has at me. He blamed me outright for everything that happened, DESPITE his cheating ways. Despite the hell I went through for him. Despite all the long nights of talking him out of very stupid mistakes. All the love, and support; the exhaustion I put myself through to make him happy. To be what he wanted me to be. HELL! I even changed the way I dress. I tried to change who I was for him, and that was A HUGE MISTAKE.
I think that is why I have become a serial monogamous, and I hate it. Tonight I am angry that I have 5 failed relationships. Tonight I am angry that 4 of them resulted in children; 3 of which I support on my own, and one I had illegally taken from me. Tonight I am angry that I fell in love. In love with him AND his children, just to have them taken from me as well. As if I am not worthy to see “his” kids, but he is doing me a favor by seeing mine? Tonight I am HURT. Tonight I am angry that he did this to me! Tonight I am angry that I did this to myself!! TONIGHT I am ANGRY that I am sick!!!! TONIGHT I am angry that my life has dwindled down to this! Tonight I am BITTER. TONIGHT.. I am tired, and I need sleep. Tonight I have been drinking, and I shouldn’t be. Tonight I am sad… Tonight I am venting.
Tomorrow.. Tomorrow I will make better.. but tonight.. fuck tonight.