I wake up in a daze, screams all around me; the sound almost unbearable. My stomach turns as I shift, and my whole body screams in pain. My vision is blurry, and half of my body is numb. I remember dreaming; it was quite vivid. The colors, the sounds, the feelings. All too real. Nightmares have taken over my sleep as of late; teeth falling out, and bugs crawling all over me. Unable to get away from the fear and sorrow that haunts me while unconscious.
I try to move again, the screams getting louder. I feel foggy and strange, still half numb. My whole body tingles, and my eyes hurt when I open them. I try to speak, but my throat is so dry, nothing comes out. I reach out trying to feel for something, but my arm will barely move. It aches while I shift my body, and I can’t help but cry out; but again, the sound is muffled and my throat aches from the attempt. The screams get louder, and now I hear crashing sounds. Where am I? What is going on? My stomach turns again, and wrenches as I move. I am fighting the urge to vomit, though I am aware that my stomach is empty, and there is nothing to expel. I finally get my eyes to open, and the light burns them as I look around. I see nothing but the ceiling. More sounds boom as I start to come to, and I am even more aware of the body wide pain. The pins and needle feeling that has started to shoot through my limbs is hard to bear. What happened? Why do I feel like I got hit by a truck? I hear a wail, and suddenly there is shooting pain through my entire body! Something has landed on top of me, and my whole body screams out in pain! My stomach turns, and my guts wrench! My whole body stiffens and I scream out in pain.
“Sorry, mommy! Are you ok?”
It’s my three year old. Her and her sister were chasing each other through the house, and she decided to find fortitude on top of me. As if I can protect her from her evil six year old sister.
“I am fine, baby. That just really hurt. Can we get off mommy? I am sick, remember?”
This is what it is like to be a single parent with not only rheumatoid arthritis, but with the flu. I have been in and out of sleep, blogging during my awake times, and then going back to sleep. I have been awake for about 30 minutes now, forcing myself to put dinner in the oven in the meantime. Melted honey, butter, and mustard on some frozen chicken strips. Half assed baked potatoes in the oven next to the pan. All of 15 minutes prep, including heating the oven. This took so much out of me, I had to sit back down. I know if I lay down I am going to slip out of consciousness again, and nobody needs that.
My house is a destroyed mess, and so am I. I feel shameful and disgusted, as I have always been a very clean person. But I can do one of two things right now: I can decide to be thankful that I am well enough to (mostly) keep up with going to work, minus today as the flu has taken over my body. That I have a home. A car. That I have children who love me. In my previous blogs you can see me talking about being a badass. Even badasses have bad days, right? RIGHT! Just because today I am in a delirious daze, have been awake for perhaps a total of 3 hours, and my whole body aches does not mean that I am not tough. I am tough as nails! Living with rheumatoid arthritis is hard, and being a single mom is also very hard. Anyone who can do both of these and not die? Total badass!! Work hard. Sleep hard! lol – I woke up in a daze with no idea where I was. This has happened 4 times today… but upon realizing where I was, I have decided that my dazed and confused moments are better than none.
I just need to keep waking up!