This morning I woke up to many things. Texts telling me that the new baby is here, and I finally get to meet Lilly; my best friend’s baby girl. Texts with winky faces from Joel, and one calling me a “loser with awesome tits”. My friends are so nice to me… Thank you Dustin. I will keep that in mind next time I look in the mirror and doubt myself. But the most prominent thing that I woke with is pain. All over. My whole body hurts! My throat is tight, and burns when I swallow. I have a blister on the right side of my mouth, and small blisters on my cheeks, as well as ones that lead from my chin down my neck. The right side of my body is in more pain than the left, as I assume I slept on it funny. My right arm is mostly numb, and my right knee is killing me. The alarm for my pills is going off, but Sunday morning is when I refill it.
My bed is a mess. The sheets pulled up off one corner, and my blanket are in twists that I have no idea how I managed. I move, and pain shoots through my neck, down both arms and into my back. My stomach turns. Every time I move, I can feel my muscles tighten, and the soreness burns. Ugh.. I was doing so well, and now I am struggling to get out of bed. How long is it going to take me today? I lay in bed trying to get my vision together; I can’t see. Rubbing my eyes hurts my hands and my eyes, but I have to get my vision as clear and possible. I realize that half my hand is numb. Lovely. I shift to be flat on my back, and again the pain takes over. I consider getting up to get pain medication, but I am going to see Jenni and her baby today. I refuse to drive once I take the medication. Reluctantly I force myself into sitting position and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. My whole body tenses up, as little pins and needles feel like they are tearing through my joints. I refuse to stay in bed any longer!!
Once I am to my feet, I can feel the swelling. Dammit. My whole body is swollen, and I feel my feet squish under my weight. Step one: My right leg stiffens up, and I nearly lose my balance. Pain shoots from my knee down to my feet. Step two, my left leg aches, but I can put my full weight on it. Fantastic. I limped my way to the bathroom. I haven’t felt this bad in a few weeks, and I have no idea why it is that I am feeling like this now. I wouldn’t call this an RA flareup, but I am not quite sure what to call it. Normal RA problems? The aches and pains I feel are pretty common, from what I have read online, but I don’t know if I can ever get used to this. I have been in pain for two years now, and it has taken a HUGE toll on my body. I look at the pictures of me that were taken just a few years ago, and I look so much younger. I feel like I have aged 5 years in two. I used to look much younger than I do now, but now I am looking my age, and even have people who guess older than I really am. This is honestly very depressing. I have gain 30 lbs since going on my new medication, and I feel horribly unattractive. Jeff’s insults about my looks, my body, and my home spin through my head. Now he is with someone who has no children, and is in great shape. That doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person, and everything about who he is.. but it hurts none the less. I can’t help but feel shame about my body.
Josh responded very positively to me, but I am still self conscious. I worry he is thinking the same thing that Jeff did, but is hiding it from me. Same with anyone else I come in contact with who says I am attractive. I don’t feel attractive most days. I don’t feel healthy, strong, or attractive most days. But I have realized why…
During the last few years I have been told I am too harsh, too abrasive, and a bit aggressive. I am also praised for my strength, and my ability to push through every little thing that is thrown my way! I am strong! I am a warrior, and I am looked up to by many. So why try to change me? As I have become softer, and sweeter to please my significant other, I have lost my ability to handle the things that come my way. I have slowly become weaker and weaker, and though my physical state has a huge part of this, I have emotionally become weak as well. This is understandable, right? Anyone else would do just the same, and I can’t be blamed for my sorrows. But I am NOT just anyone. I am not the same as everyone else! I am ME! I am a fucking warrior! I have made many trips to hell, and came back with a glorious smile, flexing my emotional muscles to show the world that it can’t take me down!!! How have I been able to do this time and time again? Why am I not able to handle this nearly as much as I could before? Because I have been worn down, and smoothed out. Some may think this is a good thing, but when life is constantly throwing you under the bus, being soft and squishy gets you killed.
It takes a special kind of person to deal with a woman like me, and though I loved Jeff, I am beginning to realize that trying to adjust myself to be what he and his kids needed was actually destroying my ability to deal with my own life. The amount of love I have for them will never go away, but I am never going to be the soft, sweet woman they need. I am rough around the edges, and can be hard as a rock, but that is who I need to be. I can not be an emotional, sweet, affectionate mother. A sweet, patient, soft voiced woman is not what I am, and trying to soften myself for them has slowly caused my own personal erosion. As much as I would like it to be different, the BITCH in me is what gets me through my life. When I look back at my life, all of the pain and anguish I suffered, I was able to get through it by putting my BITCH face on. That is what I need to do now.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t need to be a bitch to those around me. That is not what I am saying at all right now. What I am saying is I need to look RA in the face, and refuse to back down. I need to be a complete bitch to RA. I need to puff out my chest, get in my warrior stance, and push RA to the ground! I need to start a fight with RA because it has been knocking me around for years, and trying to be the soft squishy mother/gf that was needed at the time has caused me to fall. I need to get back up!! I need to pull my anger, my bitterness, and my anguish together and put my walls back up! Right now is not a time for love. It is not a time to try to open my heart to others, and be what SOMEONE else needs. Right now it is time for ME! It is time for me to knock this shit down, and be the badass bitch that I really am!
I am a warrior!
I am a badass!
I AM A BITCH! And I am DAMN proud of it!!! Rheumatoid Arthritis? Get ready to get your ass kicked! That Bitch Becca is coming for you, and I take NO hostages!