To open this post, I have to say this: I have decided that I am not going to date one person. As much as I like Josh, neither of us are looking for a relationship, so why date exclusively? I have been such a serial monogamous that i don’t even remember what it is like to not have to worry about someone else and their emotions. I need to take care of my self, and I decided that dating multiple people is going to help me with that. Why? Because I can. I feel like expanding my personal interactions is going to expand on who I really am inside. I don’t even feel like I know who I am anymore, and that is horribly frustrating. Putting myself out there and spending my time with a variety of people is going to help me remember where I stand with myself. Plus.. I don’t have to be reminded of how sick I really am, and I can relax for a bit. That being said, let’s dive into yesterday.
Yesterday by the time I got off work, I was horribly exhausted. My best friend of 17 years text me and told me that she still wasn’t dilating, so her baby was not here yet. She doesn’t know when it will happen, but she is hoping that it will be tomorrow. As excited as I was to see her, I was relieved. Usually by Friday night I am so exhausted that I barely have energy for anything. It used to be daily, but it has become less and less common. Thank god! Living with celiac disease and rheumatoid arthritis is such a challenging life, and being a full time single working mom just adds to it. Again, I have been trying to find things to motivate me, and keep me going. Most days I plan out things that I can handle, and if I start to get tired, I am able to get myself back in my groove.This is something new I have figured out, so I am getting better at it. The exhaustion is impossible to handle sometimes, so finding solutions can be pointless from time to time.
The soreness in my right knee is getting worse, and yesterday when I would walk, now and then it would click and send shooting pain through my knee. I am considering going to the Dr for this, as I am thinking my cartilage might be almost completely destroyed. I am going to give it time, see what happens. My knee tends to lock up if I sit cross legged too long as well… my solution is to just not sit crossed legged for very long.
I sat on the floor off and on all day, as well as worked at 4 different desks. My new sales trainees were on the phones, and I was answering questions. I was trying to collaborate all of my notes from both sales and client management from the week, and put next week together. We have multiple issues that need to be addressed. I have weeks and weeks of training that needs to be put together, all the while doing interviews, and starting new trainees next week. The demands of a growing company, right? I am happy to be where I stand, and it is a great movement towards my long term career.
I often worry that my job is at stake on days that I am too exhausted to do much, and yesterday was one of them. I lay with my head on the desk while I talked to the Director of Sales. I have known him for years, and I even trained him on how to do his job. Jon is a great guy, so when I apologized for my demeanor, he blew it off and told me that I do such a great job, I am entitled to put my head on my desk whenever I see fit. I am lucky to have such a great support system at work as well.
I made my girls tuna fish sandwiches for dinner, which is what they requested, then laid down on the couch. Multiple people started texting me about whether I was in Salt Lake and if the baby had been born. This is what I get for excitedly spreading the word about the labor.
One of these people was Jeff. Hmmm… Jeff. He knows how much I love Jenni, and was aware that she was pregnant. In my excitement, I had also text him about her labor. He was asking why I hadn’t send pictures yet. I didn’t want to talk to him, so I responded with very short answers, even though I was doing nothing. He said he would let me get back to my kids, because he knew I was starting movie night. I had already set the girls in place with some popcorn and a movie, so I told him we had already started. “Well, I’ll let you get back to relaxing”. I have no idea, but this really annoyed me. As if he decided to text me, but something (perhaps his gf) had interrupted, so now he was saying he was letting me get back to what I was doing. I know him well enough that this assumption is likely true. I know he reads my blogs, my facebook, my other social media sites. So he HAS to know I am spending tonight alone on my couch. Long story short, I chewed him out about letting me go, and not doing to his gf the same thing he did for me. I feel bad for her. How would I feel knowing my new bf was stalking his ex, and wanting to know everything about her life? I would not be ok with that. I assume she doesn’t know, which means he is starting off his relationship with deception. Why do I care? I have no idea…
Josh and I decided that the name for Jeff in my phone needed to be changed to “Stage 10 Clinger”. We all have our issues, but his non stop checking into my life (in times I do not initiate it) is too much. I don’t check into his, minus one look at his instagram, which was so unpleasant I decided that I was done with that. I have another date scheduled with Josh for next Friday. We are going to Rodizio Grill, as they are VERY gluten free friendly. We would go sooner, however he is working long hours, and running intense drills for the next 6 days. We are not even going to be able to talk, though he was insisting that he call me when he is done Thursday night. Midnight? I think not. I will be sleeping.
I am very much looking forward to my date with Josh. We get along so well, and he really makes me forget all of my woes. He is just as aggressive with his irritations as I am, and once he is done venting, we move on. It is so nice to be able to vent, and be vented to. I feel oddly close to him already, and I barely know him. I am now “his redhead”, and his coworker has been downgraded to “the other redhead”. I have no idea, but this makes me very happy. I kinda miss Josh, but not so much that I would say I have actual feelings for him. I don’t think I am ready for that in general, but I enjoy him very much. I am sad we won’t be able to talk this week, or exchange random pictures. I have seen his roomate’s cat too many times.
Being as sore as I was, I decided to seek out someone I have been on a date with or hung out with to come and give me a massage. I have plenty of men I know, right? My self confidence is still pretty low since Jeff destroyed it with his terrible words, but I am getting back up there. Joey! Joey and I hung out last week, and we had a decent time. He is a very serious salesman for a car dealership, which a Bachelors degree in German Communication. All the while he feels I am too smart for HIM, as I am nerd smart. How cute. I text Joey asking what he is doing. His band is playing in the Riverwoods tonight, and he wont be finished until midnight. UGH! My body hurts so bad! “Text me when you are done, and we will see if I am still in need.”
Justin. I have known Just since October of last year. We have hung out a handful of times, and always have a good time. He is very reserved, but I can get him talking. He has a very beautiful smile, and is a full time student. He is also very giving, and has given me a neck rub before. I asked… he was in the middle of packing to move tomorrow. He has no time tonight, but another night he will. Well, that doesn’t help me tonight, does it?
I know I am selfish. I know what I am doing it very self motivated.. but after a few pain pills, and glasses of wine with ZERO relief of my tension and pain, I was desperate. My whole body ached, especially my back, and I could not get comfortable. Nothing was working, so I kept seeking out help.
JOEL! I have known Joel for YEARS.. the only problem is that if Joel comes over, he is going to try to get me to sleep with him, and I am so insanely attracted to him that I may not be able to say no in my inebriated state. I text him anyway. Again, I am in SO much pain I am desperate! So desperate that if I didn’t know Jeff was with his gf, I might even try to get him to come over. Ugh… not that desperate yet, but you get what I mean. Joel has his little twins tonight, and is unable to come over. This was actually quite a relief, much to my surprise.
By this time I had downed quite a bit of wine! I was watching a movie about a woman who has face blindness, and didn’t realize how into it I had become. I actually JUMPED when Joey text me. “I will be there in 25 mins”. Whoa! It’s 11:30 already? I have been seeking a masseuse for over 2 hours to no avail. Until now! Joey is on his way. I realized I was wearing a pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt with no bra. My hair was all over the place, and makeup was smeared across my eyes. This was NOT attractive at all. I decided I didn’t care, and I was just going to stay how I looked. Besides, this is who I really am, right? Why try to hide this. Why put on a facade that I am more put together than I really am?
When Joey arrived, he got straight to the massage. I took off my shirt and held a blanket to my front. Oh, how it felt SOOO good! When you have an illness that causes such chronic pain, it causes SO much tension. Even the slightest touches to the body can be a HUGE relief. One thing I miss about having Jeff. At least I had someone to run their hands along my skin and relieve some of the pressure. Being single means that I am rarely touched, and my tension keeps building throughout my body; mostly my back. I sunk into every touch. Every moment! Joey is a 30 year old recently divorced man. His children are young, and he is still obviously wounded from his marriage ended. He has scars down both sides of his face, but is still quite handsome. He has perfect teeth, and an amazing smile. I am a sucker for smiles. Oh, drunk Becca… what is wrong with you?
Of all the things I do, the one I tend to regret most are the moments I give into my sexual desires and drives. I am so highly sexually driven, I feel like I may be a man sometimes. My thoughts wander off, and I get stuck in “day dreams” about people. Coworkers, strangers on the streets, friends. In my drunken state, I started to drift into one of my “day dreams”. My body starts responding to his touch in a different way, and he responds back. What is wrong with you, Becca??
I need more self control.