As I sit here at my pseudo desk in the sales room vs my real desk in the AM room, I am having the hardest time staying awake. I slept 9 hours last night. I didn’t do anything physically demanding at all, and emotionally I am actually quite satisfied. Yet here I am, trying my hardest not to drift off, while attempting to get as much done in my foggy state. Coffee… nothing. A nice walk outside for some fresh air. Water.. Sweets! Nothing. Nothing is waking me up.
I have 3 new hires whom I am training this week, as well as a new head of Account Management. There are many changes that are going on in my company right now, and I am in charge of so much hep during this transition. I love it! It makes me feel like I am actually doing something with my time and my life. But my RA? It has a different opinion. It is almost as if even thinking wears my whole body down. A mentally stimulating hour can take half an hour to recover from on days when my body just can’t quite keep up. I don’t get it, and neither does anyone else. They keep looking at me like I am on drugs, but really I am avoiding taking my pain meds (even though I REALLY need them right now) because I know it will make me even more tired.
I wish I could express to my co-workers what it is like to be inside my body. My mind is so sharp! I know everything I must do, but my body disagrees. It has a whole different plan for me. Now, the medication I am on is working and has started to make things much easier for me, but I am not 100%. I don’t know if I ever will be. I just pray and hope that my medical condition does not cause me to have problems with my job. I have missed quite a bit of work, and it was becoming a threat, however I have been able to come to work all 40 hours (and then some) for three weeks now. Little do my co-workers know that this is a HUGE thing for me. Them coming to work 40 hours plus a week is no big deal, and easy for them to physically accomplish. Not for me. Not for someone like me. I am not being negative, but it is a reality I have to face.
I have obviously been pushing myself to do more, and get out more. Get more things done, and I am working at a pace that is pushing me, but not to my brink. I am doing decent, and I will push harder again when this gets easy. One step at a time, but I am no longer letting this hold me back! I force myself out of bed ON TIME every day. I get myself going as well as I can, and then push myself when I can’t do the norm. I find clothes, I shower in the morning, I get my hair done, I go to work prepared and ready to accomplish what I need for the day.
Some days when I get home, I even still have energy to hang out with my little girls, and interact with them on a pleasant note. I haven’t been the best or nicest mom in quite some time. It is hard to be happy to be jumped on, and have little hands all over you when you are so mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted that you don’t even want to talk to yourself. Not to mention my relationship? Trying to stay as positive, and interactive in a way that made him feel like I appreciated him was too hard for me, and I obviously failed. At least my children love me unconditionally.
Now that I am in less pain, I can prompt my children to come sit on my lap for some one on one snuggles and chit chat time. They can tell me about their day and what they learned without my head spinning from the noises. I can show them that mommy really does still love them, and luckily they still love me back, even after all my faults. Yesterday I snuggled with my 13 year old and we talked about her friends. We looked through her instagram and had a few laughs. I love my babies so much, and each day that I have with them after work is amazing. I wish I hadn’t lost the last 2 years, but I can slowly make it up to them. I won’t lose their love because of my downfalls. They know I love them, and now that I can show it, we can improve our lives together.
Yet, here I sit.. exhaused, and slightly frustrated. Blogging away while the sales guys randomly stop by my desk. It is lunch time, and they all want to chit chat. I do a bit, and turn back to my blogging. I need this release before the afternoon meeting. Before I have to ignore my physical pain, and force myself back into “work” mode. I just have to keep telling myself this…
YOU CAN DO THIS! You can do this.