I made many mistakes this week. I drank too much. I ate gluten. I trusted a coworker when he gave me “gluten free” homemade food. But the biggest mistake I made this week was a night with a friend. I am not into this friend at all. He is not someone I want to date. I had not thoughts about ever coming in physical contact with him.. but after 3 cups of wine and half a pain pill for my aching bones, when he kissed me it felt so nice, I just let it go. Now, though he spent the night, I did not “sleep” with him. I was just too drunk to care what he did. Then things got weird.
“I can’t believe this is happening!” – “I have wanted this for three years!” – “You’re so beautiful, I have wanted you from the day I met you!” – “What are you doing tomorrow? Can I come?” – “I will come over every day for you!”
What have I done? I woke up in the morning to him kissing me, and looking at me with his big doe eyes. A sparkle in them I am all too familiar with. Feelings. Oh god! He has feelings for me. REAL feelings. Not just a quick night of sexual tension release as it was for me, but he has FEELINGS. No. No… NO! Freak out. GET UP! GO TO WORK! He followed me downstairs, insisting on an embrace before he left. I gave him an awkward hug and sent him on his way. I feel so dirty. I got ready for work and tried to ignore the nauseating feelings I got in my stomach. What have I done?
When I got to work, there was so much going on that I didn’t even think about what had happened. We have a new Head of Sales, and are getting a new Head of Account Management soon. As the trainer for both departments, and the movement, it is my job to keep this connection open, and adjust everyone to this transition. We are also making so many changes to both departments, AND we were moving offices. That day. I was both physically, and mentally busy. Until…
“Thank you for a wonderful night.”
Ugh.. an hour later he is texting me thanking me for a “wonderful” night. Wonderful. Dear lord, why? Wonderful is not a word I would use to describe it at all. “Mistake” is now the only thing I am willing to call it. I felt sick all over again.
“You are welcome. Just remember I a,m not ready to date anyone. Anything that happens? Casual.”
A minutes later..
“Likewise. 🙂 You are fun!”
I didn’t want to keep this going…
“I have been known to be fun.”
In what I can only assume was an attempt to keep the lines of communication open, as we NEVER text each other during the day, he continued to text me chit chat. I came back with very few words; I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He did this off and on all day.. I just stopped responding. I don’t have the time or energy for this. I don’t need this in my life right now. What the fuck have I started?
Days later, I am still feeling very sick and unhappy about this. I don’t want to think about his hands on me; him trying to take it all the way, and me having to stop him multiple times. I don’t want that with anyone right now. I am not ready for that. Hell! I was not ready for what DID happen, why would I be ready for anything else? I love to flirt and be silly, but I am NOT ready for anyone to touch me. Regardless of what happened. God, I feel sick.
I am known to make terrible mistakes in my life. I may need to cut back on how much I drink, as I tend to make these mistakes while inebriated. It’s a problem when it starts spilling over into how your life is, right? That is when it is time to stop, right? I need to stop many things, including this. I feel disgusting. I feel like I betrayed myself, and now I am going to have to always know what happened between me and this “friend”. Can I even stay friends with him right now after seeing that twinkle in his eye? After hearing those words of endearment, and knowing he has wanted this, not just physically, but EMOTIONALLY for years? I don’t think I can handle that thought, because zero of those feelings are mutual, and I know they never will be. Am I going to make the same mistake I made in the past and use this person for my own random gratification? I have been known to do that…
I think I might be a bad person.