Don’t stop believing…

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Last night I got sad.. so I got drunk. Very.. very.. very.. drunk. I got drunk and I watched TV alone. It was sad, to say the least. Then I got a text. A text from someone I have not heard from for awhile; someone I have known and loved for half my life. Morgan.
dontstop Now Morgan.. is my biggest fan. I say this because no matter where I have been in life, what I am doing, or who I am with, Morgan has always been super supportive, and been behind me 100% on everything I do. He has been nothing short of amazing when it comes to boosting me up, and making me feel special. Morgan is wonderful. Though last night things changed. (Kind of)

He called me after I text him back with pure excitement, and immediately asked me what was wrong with me. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” – This kind of shocked me, as Morgan is usually all hearts and rainbows with me.

“Umm.. I am drunk?”

“NO! Not tonight, I mean in general. Who are you? WHAT have you become?!? What is going on with you over there? Where did you go?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I still live in the same place I have for two years now.. nothing is going on. I am drinking alone. It’s not sad. It’s romantic. I love me.”

“Becca.. No. That is not what I mean…” Morgan continued to tear me down for every last Facebook post and Note I have written. He told me I have become depressing, and that as much as I would like to pretend it doesn’t, it does affect other people. That there are people in this world who find their hope from my strength, and my ability to take on the world. “You are letting everyone down! You are better than this!!”

pleading-woman-120329I tried to tell him of all the things that are going on. My broken body, my broken heart. He didn’t want to listen. He kept telling me how much he loves me, and how wonderful I am. That the person that I really am is still inside me, but I have stifled her with this “sad fucking person” I have become. He speaks of me often to his new love interest, and he wants her to meet me, but not like this. Not like how I am now. I am hiding who I am behind all of these excuses. All of this sadness.

Again, I tried to stop him and explain how much pain I am in. Both physical and emotional. His response? “You have never let anything stop you before!! Why are you letting it now?” – You know what? This is true. I never have let anything stop me before, so why am I letting it now? Why am I letting this illness stomp all over me, and (as he put it) stifle me? I had nothing to say back to him. He was right. Tough love… it always gets me. After 14 years, he knew how to pull me out of it. I can’t get his words out of my head today. He repeated them to me until I repeated them back. Then he repeated them again. And again.

“Jeff is gone. What you had is over, and that is ok. Let it be. Let it go. You are sick. It is what it is. Don’t let it hold you back, don’t let it take you down. Let it go. You can do this!”

YOU CAN DO THIS.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

You.. can.. do.. this.

I can do this.

Capture5I know this isn’t going to fix my body. This is not going to heal all of the emotional wounds left behind, but it’s a start. Having someone who has and always will care for me call me in the middle of the night to tell me to stop being a baby, and get my shit together was exactly what I needed. I know he did it for me. He didn’t do it for himself. We don’t see each other often, and my general attitude would have no affect on his daily life. But he knows I am hurting. He could see how low I was getting, and he wanted to put a stop to it. It may sound silly, and it may not be accurate.. but this is the most loved I have felt in months. Genuine, selfless love.

Oh, Morgan. You saved me last night, and you don’t even know it.

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