Last night I got a random Facebook message from my ex husband asking how I am. This is very odd. He never talks to me, let alone lets me talk to my son who he took across the country 4 years ago. He started with a “Hey” and it lead to this:
Him: “I just wanted to see how your doing”
Me: “Um. I’m alright. Thank you.”
Him: “I know its wierd since we dont talk often but i know you been sick lately and wanted to make sure your ok is all” (Side note, I hate his grammar)
This lead to me asking how my son was, and if he had any newer pictures of him. He agreed to text me some. The first text he sent me was a picture of my son (who is 9 1/2), and his 6 month old son. His only two children. I decided that it was better than nothing, though I don’t really care to have a picture of his new son, my boy looked so happy holding his little brother. So sweet; I love that kid so much. We started a back and forth conversation about his personality, how sweet he is, how good of an older brother he is, and how I really wish they would just move back to Utah. Out of nowhere, this happened:
“I know i need to i know we have alot of resentment towards each other but forget the stupid shit i think we could actually be pretty good friends. I have always thought you were a good person you just had some fucked up shit happen to you i know i was the cause of some and i cant apolagize enough thats not me anymore i grew up a ton haydon does need to know you and i want the best for everyone involved. And no im not drunk haha”
I didn’t know what to say, but based on my most recent experiences, I decided that this was the best response:
“Yeah, I’m an opinionated, blunt woman with a sharp tongue. I’m hard to handle sometimes. The way I describe what happened with us when people ask: “Good friendship. Terrible marriage.”
He started spouting out some long overdue words, I honestly never expected. 8 years after our divorce. A divorce that happened because his controlling ways turned to physical abuse, and I couldn’t take it.
“Its true i know i messed alot up i know i didnt treat you right and it took awhile to realize that but you were good to me you stayed while i was locked up you were by myside for alot. It was a well needed apoligy even if it was 8 years later i wish it could have worked but i needed to learn from my mistakes. Dont misunderstand that you werent the mistake the way i acted was”
All I could come back with was:
“I knew what you meant.”
That is where the conversation ended. I had no idea how to feel about this. Right as the best relationship I have ever had ends, the worst relationship I have ever had finally gets closure. This was very odd to me, and though the scars that my husband left on me will never go away, it is nice to know that he is finally accepting that he is in fact the reason for some of the damage I will forever be effected by. Being told I am a good person, and that he appreciated all that I did was very foreign to me. He has never said this to me. Ever. Not while we were married; never. I have no idea what has motivated this apology, but I will accept it. It is not so much that I need it right now, but perhaps this will help me be ok in general. He has never taken responsibility for anything he did to me, though I apologized long ago for my temper and for the things I did to hurt him. He took those words of mine and ran with them. He continued to emotionally beat me down for years after I left him, and though I stood up for myself from time to time, most days I just let him vent. I knew that it was not me, and that he had problems he was dealing with himself. Let it go, right?
Now, to some people what he said falls far short of what is needed, and I personally know this. But I have known the man for 14 years, and I know that these words are very hard for him to say, as he has HONESTLY never said anything to this effect. I have received apologies from 3/4 men who have treated me wrong, and destroyed my life, all the while blaming me for everything. (I am not counting Jeff in this because he did not destroy my life) – Each and every time I get an apology, I take it with a grain of salt. Most often they are having a hard day, and are seeking out some comfort. They remember those times we had that were sweet, and intimate and they recall how it made them feel. They want that comfort now, regret losing it, and so they apologize. The next day they may be angry, and say horrible things about me again. It is what it is, and there is nothing I can do about it. I tend to date assholes. (I also think I am an asshole, btw) But this? This is different. It is very strange to me. Don’t get me wrong, he has had his moments where he has told me how much he misses me. That he wished that we could have worked out our marriage, and he wishes that things were different. But he has never told me I am a good person, and he has NEVER openly admitted that he was at fault, and that he actually damaged me.
I am feeling very hopeless lately, and this conversation doesn’t change that. I just wish that I could be better at making decisions. That I can be a better person, and make a relationship work one day. As I have said before, now that I am aware that I will be sick for the rest of my life, it is hard to think that this is even a possibility. I don’t feel like a good person right now. I don’t feel like a supportive, loving person. I feel like a wallowing, pathetic, useless human being. I am not that strong, bold woman he was married to, and beat down. I am not her. I am lower than the beatings he gave me. I am lower than I have ever been, and I have no idea how to come out of it.
Maybe this will help me tomorrow, or a week, or a month from now. I do say that it feels good, but it is 8 years too late. If he brings me back my son, I will be more apt to accept this, and forgive him fully for the things he did to me. Make it right, Tyson. Make it right.