This morning I woke up feeling a bit more positive. I am glad that after weeks of bad days, that I woke up feeling like this is going to be a good one. I woke up at a reasonable time, compared to the last few mornings, anyway. Got up, read postsecret.com , and got the kids breakfast. I sorted through my pills this morning, and didn’t feel as bad as I usually do. I have 3 prescriptions that need refilling, and that’s ok. Each morning I take 5 prescriptions, and 2 vitamins. Two hours later I take another vitamin, and two antibiotics. In two weeks I will be down to one. Then at night, I take the two antibiotics again. To sum it all up, I take about 15 pills a day (some of them I have to take two, twice daily). And that is ok. Sometimes I look at the pills while I refill my pill sorter, and I start to cry. I am only 28.. I shouldn’t have to do this. But this morning I looked at them and I told myself this as I sorted them.
Plaquenil: This is keeping my immune system from damaging my joints any further. This will eventually help with the pain, and allow my body to start to repair itself. This is good.
Meloxicam: This is helping with the inflammation in my body, and also keeping my fever under control. I generally run a 99-100 fever at all times. Without this medication, it would be harder to move each day, and my fever could rise to dangerous levels. This medication is helping my body heal by decreasing the swelling, and allowing the muscle to rebuild itself. It is going to take time, but it will allow me to get back to normal activity. This is good.
Omeprazole: Before beginning to take this medication, I couldn’t even eat a banana without having some pretty severe heartburn and stomach pain. This medication is decreasing the stomach acid activity, and allowing my ulcers and other gastrointestinal damage to heal. This is good.
Zyrtec: Obviously this is an allergy medication, and before I started taking it I would suffer almost daily from sinus pain. Now my sinus pain, headaches, and watery eyes are much better. This is good!
Doxycycline: This is a low dose antibiotic that is going to defend my body against general bacteria. My immune system is down for now, so this will do as much as possible to prevent infections. This is good.
Amoxicillin: This medication is only a 3 week prescription, but it is good all the same. I take two doses, twice daily. This is fighting the bacteria that got past the other antibiotic. It is helping heal the strep throat, and the ulcerated, infected sores I have on my body. This is good.
These are just a few examples of the medications that I am on, and there are many more I would rather not discuss. The vitamins I take are by choice, and most of them are to help with heart health. RA tends to effect and damage the muscles, and a lot of people forget that the heart is a muscle. I take fish oil, vitamin e, and other things to help promote my health. This is good.
I don’t know what caused me to wake up in the better mood I am feeling today. Perhaps it was the conversation I had last night, though simple and short, it gave me a sense of comfort and relief I hadn’t felt in awhile. I decided to appreciate the short contact with Jeff, rather than be angry about what I have lost. I remember how sweet and caring he really is, and these short conversations, even though it was mostly about health insurance, make me feel better. I know that we are over, and we are not good for each other on a romantic level, but perhaps we can eventually be best friends again. I would like that. For now, I enjoy the conversation we had. It was good.
It is a beautiful day out today, and perhaps I will take my kids to the park. We will see how much energy I have. I know that I need to accept the limitations that I now have. I need to appreciate the good memories of what I used to be able to do, and be thankful that I was able to have such wonderful times. Dancing with friends, hiking, going for long walks. Being active, and social. Though I am much less active now, and it will not only take time for me, but also those who love me to get used to the limits I am discovering, it is going to be ok. I am still the same person I have always been; I just can’t lift heavy objects. Or run.. Not like I did much running to begin with. lol – I need to accept the help that so many are willing to give me, and put my pride aside. If people want to offer me help, even if it is help I do not feel I need, I should accept it. Those I love are just trying to help in every way that they know how, and though I want other help, I need to accept the love I am being given in the form it is being given to me. This love.. this help.. every type of support.. it is good.
I am not claiming to have a whole new outlook on life, and be a changed woman! I am, however, accepting my good day and choosing to be positive today. I choose to feel love today, and be happy. Do I hurt? Yes. But my medicine is working on it, and this pain is much less than I have felt in the past. Am I tired? Yes. But I can always rest and nap. It’s ok, and it does not make me a weaker willed person. It just means I am allowing my body to heal so that one day I can make it through a day with more energy!
Today I choose to accept that… this is good.