I wish

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Tonight I am wishing. I am wishing for so many things, and I am pained to know that these are just wishes. I am not looking for a pep talk. To be told “if you try hard enough, you can make any wish come true”, because it’s not true. I wish I could go back and fix myself. I wish I could remake 90% of the decisions I have made in my adults life, mostly the ones I have made in the last two years.

Two years ago I met someone, and as much as I HATE to admit it, I was smitten. I fought my feelings left and right, and I REFUSED to admit to them. Even to myself. But I was swept out of my comfort zone, and into the eyes of someone I barely knew. He never knew that.. I never told him. We met online randomly on what was a half asses dating/social site where I would go to distract myself from the random unhappiness I had going on at the time. I saw a picture of him come up in the feed and I thought.. There is something about him. So I messaged him. “Nice watch”.

Thus begun a strain of random conversations for the next month. After that, we set up a date. He canceled the morning of. I was very hurt, and I figured he just ended up changing his mind about meeting me. I must have said something wrong, or maybe he just met someone else and changed his mind. I blew it off, and went out with someone else. I got extremely inebriated, and I am sure made a complete ass of myself. Why was I so hurt that this guy blew me off? We had never even met… it was stupid. Forget it. Forget him… let it go.

He insisted that he really was sick, and that he wanted to make it up to me. I told him it was fine, and not to worry about it, but he insisted we hang out. I told him he was welcome to come to my house, but I refused to change my routine just to adhere to his inability to keep a date. He came over. I wore a pair of pajama pants, and a tank top. I highly doubt he was impressed. However I am instantly impressed with him. What was wrong with me? I am never impressed by anyone. I told myself it was the fresh wounds from my recent 2 1/2 year relationship ending. I was just displacing feelings…. I was wrong.

We spent the whole night together. The back and forth banter distracting me from all of my recent problems. It felt so good to get along with someone SO well. To have him respond to my humor, and retort in a way that was just so perfect. From this moment on.. I did everything on. I should have let him go home, and set up another time to hang out. I didn’t. He spent the night. We went from 0 to 100 in one night. I wish I hadn’t done that. If I had waited, done things right, we wouldn’t have started our “relationship” with me feeling guilt, and shame. 

I didn’t think he would call me the next day. I figured that we were done, and he wasn’t going to respect me enough. Even though I knew he wasn’t that type of person, I felt shamed enough to think this way. He called. This started a 2 year rollercoaster of love. Love, happiness, shame, guilt. Days of pure bliss, and days of such lows I never thought I could experience. I did everything wrong. 

Every situation that arose. I did wrong. I am sure there are things I did right, but I can not recall them in my current state. I just keep thinking back to all my emotions. All my feelings. Every time I felt one day, but did something else. The things I kept to myself, and the explosions of emotion later. Complete and utter insanity. I wish I could take it all back.

Now, I know I am being dramatic. He fell in love with me, just as I fell in love with him, and if I had done everything different, that may have no been the case. Though, I would be the same person, I am not sure things would have panned out the same. Maybe he would love me more? Maybe he would be willing to stand by my side right now, not put out from all the times he stood with me, and I pushed him away. Why do I push so much?

I wish that I could fix it. I wish that I could take back all the terrible things I have done. All the awful things I have said. I wish I could see him. I wish I could smell him next to me, and feel the warmth of his embrace. Not just literally, but metaphorically as well. I wish I didn’t miss him so much. I wish I could talk to him without this burning regret, and burning anger. I am such a mess of emotion right now, and I wish I wasn’t. I wish that all the times we fought, and I was a stubborn little jerk.. that I wasn’t. I wish I had listened more. I wish I had talked less. I wish I had been the woman that was enough for him. I wish I hadn’t pushed him away, when all he wanted was to comfort me. I wish I hadn’t yelled. I wish I hadn’t cried. I wish I hadn’t told him all the things I told him that lead him to see me the way he does now. I wish I could take back ALL my words of cruelty…. but I can’t. 

There is nothing that I can do. I can try to become that person that I wish I was with him, and hope that I don’t do the same thing to the next person who loves me. If that ever happens. I very much do not feel worth loving right now, but that is for another post. There is nothing I can do to make these wishes come true. I have already destroyed the one good thing in my life, and nothing I do now can repair the damage I have caused. Not just to him, but to me. Nothing I can do will take away the guilt, the shame, and the pain I have caused myself. Even if he truly forgives me for what I have done, will I ever be able to forgive myself? Will I ever let go of all of the hurt that happened by my hands? I don’t think I can… I have scarred more than just Jeff. I have scarred his children. My children. Myself.. with all the horrible things I have done. I let our children get close, and became a big part of each other’s lives. Why did I do this? Why, when I knew how screwed up I am, and how much damage I can cause, did I let 6 children grow to love each other SO much. Just to rip it away. 

Today my two littlest children cried for them. We have been seeing Jeff with his kids every other weekend for a year and a half. It’s been a month since they have seen each other, and my kids are beginning to feel the hurt. Today I explained that it was very unlikely that they would ever come over for movie night again. I watched my children cry, and ask why, knowing it was because I have made terrible choices. I know that I caused this pain. I feel like a horrible, horrible person.

I wish I could take it all away. I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish I didn’t do whatever it was that caused my illness to kick in. I wish I was better at knowing what to do. I wish I could take back the last two years, and do it better. I wish I still had him. I wish I had my health. I wish I could love and be loved, and just let it be ok. I wish I didn’t have all this baggage. 

Wishing does nothing but cause more pain. I know this, yet here I sit wallowing in my wishes. Hating myself and everything around me for the pain I can not seem to avoid. I hurt inside and out, with little to no relief. I wish I had something to lean on. Someone… not anyone. Just him.

I wish I was better. 

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