Last night after going to see the fireworks, (Which we left early due to a grumpy toddler. Go figure) I ended up having a few drinks. This was a bad idea. I was chit chatting with a few people I have met on random dating sites. Note: I am not looking to actually date. I am only on the ones that give the option to be selective about who messages you, and put that you are looking for friends. Obviously it doesn’t filter all of them, but it helps.
At any rate, I was chit chatting with a few people and had a sudden overwhelming sense of loss. None of these people were the ones I wanted to be talking with. In my half asleep, half drunk state, I reached over the to empty side of my bed. I started to sob. I have lost the person who means the most to me, and I did it to myself. I know that RA is rough. I have had such a hard time both emotionally and physically dealing with it. But this… losing him. Worse than all of the pain I have to deal with daily. The way I treated him? Awful. I am ashamed of everything I have done to him, and I know regardless.. I could never look him in the eye again. I have completely destroyed the only good thing in my life. Why?
I keep asking myself WHY I did this. How could I hurt the one I love so much? What the FUCK comes over me and causes me to behave this way? I know that I get snippy from the pain; who wouldn’t? But why was I so angry at him? How could I love someone so much, and resent him so much at the same time? I keep trying to figure out what is going on inside me, and I have come up with this:
I am jealous. I am jealous that he had a high school sweetheart. I am jealous that he was good enough, and loved her enough to dedicate his life to her when he got her pregnant at 18. I am jealous that though his marriage was rough, he stayed with her for 9 years. I am jealous all of his kids have the same parents. I am jealous that his parents are still married. I am angry at him for having the same house to go back to that he grew up in. I am very envious of how much his family loves him. Of how protective and supportive they are. I am jealous of how well behaved his kids are, and how much support he had. I wish I had that.
Jealousy is an ugly thing, and I KNOW I should be happy for him. I should love and appreciate that he didn’t have the same upbringing and pain that I had to endure. I would be, and I am.. but.. he doesn’t appreciate it. Maybe he does, but he doesn’t seem to. He is depressed, and unhappy all the time. He sees nothing good in his life, and is drinking himself away. GOD! I wish I could trade places with him every day! I wish I could show him how much love and GOODNESS there is for him. I wish I could show him how much he means to those around him. I wish he could see himself like I saw him.. before this ugly mess of anger got in the way.
This anger hasn’t always been there. It has just recently developed. After I was diagnosed with RA, and realized how much more pain I am going to have to endure. As if my upbringing in an abusive polygamy family wasn’t enough? As if getting pregnant at 15, and being abandoned by the father wasn’t enough?? As if getting married to someone I thought I knew, but ended up being beaten down in every sense of the word wasn’t enough?!? Then came the child abuser, and the liars and cheaters. I have made the WORST decisions in my life, and I can not take any of them back. I have been through HELL and back, and now… now I am STUCK in hell? I am doomed to do this on my own forever, and just survive? How can he HATE such a beautiful life? I don’t understand…
It hurts me so much to know I have hurt him, and pushed him away. But each day I find myself more and more angry at him for his unhappiness. He tries to hide it from me as much as possible, but he is very bad at it. I am always aware of how unhappy he is, and it pains me. But that pain has now turned to burning anger. Don’t get me wrong, I still love him SO much! More than I have ever loved anyone… but how can he be so unhappy? Ugh.. I wish I could see him happy. I wish I could change his view and bring light into his life! I wish I could make him see how wonderful he is, and how wonderful his life is and can be. But I have become nothing but a dark force in his life, and that is unfair to him. I know that letting him go was the best thing I could do for him, but the pain is not going away anytime soon.
I know if he knew how angry I was at him for all of these things, that it would hurt him. I have been AWFUL to him and said HORRIBLE things the last few weeks. I have been bitter, angry, rude, deeply and personally attacking him. I know his soft spots, and I poked them. No.. I stabbed them. It’s not excuse I have been on pain meds, and am.. so fucking mad at him. It is not his fault I am mad, and I never should have treated him that way.
I am really hoping that once I am past the anger phase of my illness, that this anger for him will go away. I really am angry at everyone who has it easy. Everyone who has a better life than me. A support system they can lean on the way he can. A home to go to. A family that has the capability to take care of me. People who wouldn’t get bitter and angry about caring for me daily. I wish I had everything that everyone else has AND I HATE THAT I DON’T!!
I can kick and scream about how unfair it is, but it won’t change anything. Only I can change my life.. but I have tried so hard. I couldn’t do it healthy, how am I going to do it sick? How am I going to do this? HOW?!?
I am so scared.