Tonight…

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Tonight I am angry. Angry because I am sick. Angry because I have been sitting too long in one place, and it is going to HURT like hell to move. Angry because I am chugging wine to make it easier to make it up the stairs so I can go to bed. Angry because the man I loved, the man I DEDICATED myself to for two years won’t leave things alone. He contacts me constantly about this blog. He makes commentary to me via text, and I decided when I first discovered he reads this that I will not censor myself just because he chooses to e-stalk me. He causes his own pain. Now, with that he throws everything he has at me. He blamed me outright for everything that happened, DESPITE his cheating ways. Despite the hell I went through for him. Despite all the long nights of talking him out of very stupid mistakes. All the love, and support; the exhaustion I put myself through to make him happy. To be what he wanted me to be. HELL! I even changed the way I dress. I tried to change who I was for him, and that was A HUGE MISTAKE.Furious-woman-500x333

I think that is why I have become a serial monogamous, and I hate it. Tonight I am angry that I have 5 failed relationships. Tonight I am angry that 4 of them resulted in children; 3 of which I support on my own, and one I had illegally taken from me. Tonight I am angry that I fell in love. In love with him AND his children, just to have them taken from me as well. As if I am not worthy to see “his” kids, but he is doing me a favor by seeing mine? Tonight I am HURT. Tonight I am angry that he did this to me! Tonight I am angry that I did this to myself!! TONIGHT I am ANGRY that I am sick!!!! TONIGHT I am angry that my life has dwindled down to this! Tonight I am BITTER. TONIGHT.. I am tired, and I need sleep. Tonight I have been drinking, and I shouldn’t be. Tonight I am sad… Tonight I am venting.

Tomorrow.. Tomorrow I will make better.. but tonight.. fuck tonight.

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Save Me from Myself

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Last night an old friend came over to catch up and give me a full body massage. We spent about an hour on the couch talking about our kids before I even remembered I needed the massage. He has an adorable toddler, and though we have been friends for such a long time, bonding over parenthood is a new thing for us and is quite fantastic. Hanging out with him helped IMMENSELY! Spending time with someone I was so comfortable with, and trusted to help me with my tension was so relaxing. He has issues with his joints and muscles as well, so it was good to feel not so alone in this. We talked about the difficulties of movement, the expectations of adults, and how misunderstood invisible illnesses are. I was up until about midnight, and was surprisingly ecstatic when I got a late night text from Josh. I didn’t expect to hear from him until he was done running drills this week, but it gave me silly little butterflies to know that at the end of the day he is thinking of me. I blushed… I don’t blush.

0001008433_20This morning I woke up later than I expected; about an hour. I started to get dressed and decided that my shower could wait until tonight. I had showered before my massage last night, so I decided that at least I was clean enough, though I smell oddly like strawberries. My massage oils smell good. As I was getting ready, my two little girls were fighting over random things that small children fight over, and I would holler for them to get ready. My three year old started to cry, and I walked into her room just in time to see her vomit all over her bed. Great. The fun times of being a single mom, I now must decide what to do with my flu ridden toddler. I can’t call into work sick again; I have to work 40 hours a week to keep my insurance, and I am already 8 hours behind!! This would be a time I would call on Jeff and see if he could help me out, but that isn’t an option anymore. I am 100% alone in this, and it is my job to take care of my own problems. Zero outside support.

I got her into the tub while I finished getting myself and my six year old ready, contemplating what I would do. I couldn’t justify taking her into the daycare and risking her getting other kids sick! If she had what I had, it was likely she was going to vomit a few more times, and then sleep it off. Reluctantly, I decided to leave her home with my 13 year old. I work only 10 minutes away now, and if there was an emergency we have plenty of resources. My sisters, my neighbors, etc. She wasn’t so happy to cancel her teenage plans, but I really had no choice. I would just warn my boss that I may have to step out in an emergency. I headed out to work.

Halfway to work, my stomach started to turn. I had decided on tea this morning instead of coffee. My stomach was still quite upset, and I was running a fever, but I had too much to do to justify another day at home. My body still aches, and it hurts to press the clutch and shift my little Saturn into gear. With each turn, I feel a bit more light headed and gross. Taking sips of my tea, I convince myself that I can at least make it to work before losing any of my morning doses of medication. I needed to let them sit for at least an hour, right? Absorb as much as I could…. today would be worse if I vomit up all of my meds. By the time I got to work, my body was stiff again, and getting out of my car was difficult. I wonder how many people see me struggling and think it is because I am chubby. Look at that chunky girl trying to get out of her little car. What a fatass! She needs to lose weight! Little do they know that I have barely been able to eat for three days, but somehow managed to gain back 5 of the 9 lbs I lost last week. Swelling? Joints? Intestinal? Who cares? I can’t even try to control it anymore. My size doesn’t matter right now! My ability to push myself to be the woman I need to be is what matters! Being the badass bitch I am! My looks will come back in good time.

Limping my way into the building, I was able to keep from throwing up. Once inside, I put all of my gear down, and headed to the bathroom.. just in case. I was fine. It’s funny how keeping your meds down in the morning can feel like such a huge accomplishment! I decided not to let this get me down, but be proud of myself for getting out of bed, and not only coming to work, but to do it without losing my “breakfast”. It’s the little accomplishments in life!

The majority of my day consisted of updating materials and doing phone interviews with potential employees. They had already passed the first round of interviews, and I was to judge them on their SEO knowledge, as well as their phone presence. I much enjoy doing these types of interviews, as I get to ask as many questions as I want, and really get people to open up. I love seeing what kind of personality they are willing to show over the phone, rather then feel awkward getting questioned by a tattooed pierced girl who stop writing every 15 seconds to put her pen down and shake her hands. I don’t have to explain my odd behavior that stems from RA when people can’t see me. Today a fellow coworker suggested that at the end of each of my interviews, I have them tell me a joke. This was SO fun! I found that the people who scored high on my questionnaire also had the best jokes. I would then turn around and tell the joke to the rest of my team, and we would scale their joke on how well they would fit in.

ut_ultimatefighter_1212~1During my random rounds of interviews, I started planning my date with a VERY persistent man; Hank. He has been pursuing me for about 6 weeks, but I have yet to feel comfortable enough to accept his advances. He is an MMA fighter, and after watching his BIO on youtube, I couldn’t figure out what he would want with a single mom with rheumatoid arthritis, celiac disease, and so much emotional baggage that I need a freight train to carry it. I told him all of my ailments, and insisted that I was not the girl that he wanted to pursue. The woman in his bio (now his ex wife) was a thin blond with big (Obviously fake) breasts, and just looked so perky. If he married that kind of woman, I don’t have any idea what he would do with me. I am NONE of the above, and would never want to be. I expressed this to him, and he STILL insists that he must at least meet me. “You wanna go on a date?” he continued to send me, regardless of my response, until I finally said yes. We are both decently bust people, so it looks like it may need to wait until next week, but I finally agreed to it. What is the worst that can happen? We go on a date and he realizes I am everything that I said I am and he is no longer interested? Big deal. I expect this to happen in general and would not be hurt in any form.

Now, don’t get me wrong. It is not that I do not think that I am good enough for him. What gets me is that based on what I have found about him online (Come on, he’s an MMA fighter. There’s plenty to Google, and that IS him in the photo above, btw) I am not the type of girl he would be and is generally interested. He sends me random photos, and voice clips of him singing to me. He insists I am smart, and beautiful. That he is going to be ever impressed with me regardless of what I say! Ok.. I accept this. However, what does he want with a damaged girl, regardless of how smart I am? He has his own life to worry about, and career. He doesn’t need someone like me dragging him down, and I am not looking for a relationship. I would NOT be interested in having him be my “serial snuggle buddy” either, especially after he was so persistent. My hands ache as I text him, informing him that he should get more flattering pictures indexed in Google, and maybe a few on the MMA stats websites he is on. (Now he accuses ME of being the stalker. Funny, funny) I can’t help but think about how strong his body must be. I wonder if during his fights (30 wins vs 20 losses) if his pain compares to mine, or mine to his. Perhaps I could bond with someone who understands what pain really is, though his is just temporary? Is this what I want to do? I think I am over thinking it…

CaptureI put my phone down, and immediately get a text. Wow. That was fast! He must be really serious about this date! But it wasn’t him. My face lights up as I see it is a text from Josh. Ugh… why am I lighting up? Not only did I not expect to hear from him until Friday, but now he has text me twice in less than 24 hours? It’s a picture of him taking a break, obviously exhausted. My heart aches for his poor exhausted body, and I realized something. I might ACTUALLY have feelings for this guy. But I barely know him.. I guess we will see how I feel by Friday. I text him back telling him I was sorry he hurts. A few moments later he texts me again. Is he seriously taking his mid day break to talk to me? He even told me himself that I would not hear from him until at least Thursday night. Butterflies again. I find myself wanting to comfort him; snuggle up and kiss him affectionately. Dammit. Stupid feelings.

My thoughts go back to my illness. Josh knows about my illness, and even saw my pharmacy I have on the end table next to my bed. The first aid kit I keep on my lamp table for my random sores I get. My under cleaned and over crowded house. The fact that I have to shift every 15-20 minutes to keep my body from aching and going numb… and he didn’t care. He’s an attractive man, and I have NO doubt could get a date with many girls with much less baggage and problems than me. What was it that had him texting me, and wanting to talk to me at all hours of the night? I know that sometimes I don’t give myself enough credit, but after my failed relationship with Jeff I feel quite inadequate. He immediately went and found himself a FULL replacement for me, even acknowledging her as his girlfriend from the beginning, though he wouldn’t me. But again, that says a lot about him and not me, right? It takes a strong man to love a broken woman, and an even stronger woman to admit she is broken. Jeff wasn’t strong enough to be what I needed, and my trying to make myself into what he wanted me to be wore me out more than anything. But Josh.. He is coming in when I am at a very low point, and is still very interested in me. So is Hank.. and Joel.. and Joey. Are these men only out for one thing? Are they just trying to take advantage of a broken girl in a crappy situation? I feel like they would be better off and have better luck trying to get their kicks elsewhere. What is it about me that makes men so intrigued, and then want to run away after a few years? Do they expect everything that draws them in to go away? Do I attract the men with a hero complex? Do they want to save me? Save me from my life? Save me from myself?

Only I can save me from myself..

Waking Up

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I wake up in a daze, screams all around me; the sound almost unbearable. My stomach turns as I shift, and my whole body screams in pain. My vision is blurry, and half of my body is numb. I remember dreaming; it was quite vivid. The colors, the sounds, the feelings. All too real. Nightmares have taken over my sleep as of late; teeth falling out, and bugs crawling all over me. Unable to get away from the fear and sorrow that haunts me while unconscious.

blurry_vision_by_photoshopoholic-d37o7rmI try to move again, the screams getting louder. I feel foggy and strange, still half numb. My whole body tingles, and my eyes hurt when I open them. I try to speak, but my throat is so dry, nothing comes out. I reach out trying to feel for something, but my arm will barely move. It aches while I shift my body, and I can’t help but cry out; but again, the sound is muffled and my throat aches from the attempt. The screams get louder, and now I hear crashing sounds. Where am I? What is going on? My stomach turns again, and wrenches as I move. I am fighting the urge to vomit, though I am aware that my stomach is empty, and there is nothing to expel. I finally get my eyes to open, and the light burns them as I look around. I see nothing but the ceiling. More sounds boom as I start to come to, and I am even more aware of the body wide pain. The pins and needle feeling that has started to shoot through my limbs is hard to bear. What happened? Why do I feel like I got hit by a truck? I hear a wail, and suddenly there is shooting pain through my entire body! Something has landed on top of me, and my whole body screams out in pain! My stomach turns, and my guts wrench! My whole body stiffens and I scream out in pain.

“Sorry, mommy! Are you ok?”

It’s my three year old. Her and her sister were chasing each other through the house, and she decided to find fortitude on top of me. As if I can protect her from her evil six year old sister.

“I am fine, baby. That just really hurt. Can we get off mommy? I am sick, remember?”

This is what it is like to be a single parent with not only rheumatoid arthritis, but with the flu. I have been in and out of sleep, blogging during my awake times, and then going back to sleep. I have been awake for about 30 minutes now, forcing myself to put dinner in the oven in the meantime. Melted honey, butter, and mustard on some frozen chicken strips. Half assed baked potatoes in the oven next to the pan. All of 15 minutes prep, including heating the oven. This took so much out of me, I had to sit back down. I know if I lay down I am going to slip out of consciousness again, and nobody needs that.

clean_houseMy house is a destroyed mess, and so am I. I feel shameful and disgusted, as I have always been a very clean person. But I can do one of two things right now: I can decide to be thankful that I am well enough to (mostly) keep up with going to work, minus today as the flu has taken over my body. That I have a home. A car. That I have children who love me. In my previous blogs you can see me talking about being a badass. Even badasses have bad days, right? RIGHT! Just because today I am in a delirious daze, have been awake for perhaps a total of 3 hours, and my whole body aches does not mean that I am not tough. I am tough as nails! Living with rheumatoid arthritis is hard, and being a single mom is also very hard. Anyone who can do both of these and not die? Total badass!! Work hard. Sleep hard! lol – I woke up in a daze with no idea where I was. This has happened 4 times today… but upon realizing where I was, I have decided that my dazed and confused moments are better than none.

I just need to keep waking up!

The Baby!!!

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The baby came yesterday, and I went to see her! She is SO very beautiful! I have been friends with my Jenni for 17 years now, and it was so surreal to see my daughter (who is 13) holding her newborn. We always talked about our kids growing up together, and them being best friends as well. Now my baby is holding her baby, and loves her already! Jenni and I have been so close, that my kids call her Aunt Jenni. They were surprised to find out that she wasn’t one of my many sisters, as we are closer than I am to any of them.

DSC_0483During our visit, we talked about what we always though it would be like when we were both parents. Constantly getting our kids together to play, photos, trips to the zoo, etc. Now my youngest daughter is 3 1/2 years older than her baby. I cracked a joke that it is her turn to carry on the tradition of having a baby every 3 years. She declined, but I am sure she will get the baby bug again one day. We all do, though mine were all accidents. One thing that dawned on both of us while we gazed at the beauty of her new baby was that neither of us ever expected to have a mixed race baby. Now we both have babies that are 1/4 black. Jenni expected her babies to be blond haired and blue eyed. That isn’t going to happen now, though she is ridiculously in love with her baby, and wouldn’t have her any other way.

I love my best friend, and I wish we lived closer. I would love to go to her house and help her when she is too exhausted to change her new baby. I would love to take her off Jenni’s hands so that she can have a nap, or maybe clean her house. I would love to take her JUST to spend time with her and snuggle her beautiful little face! Not only do I live too far away for this, but right now I am far too sick to do this. I can barely take care of myself, I know I will not be able to help take care of her. The good thing is that we have phones. We can talk, and text when she needs me. I look forward to all of the wonderful things that she gets to experience, and the world she has just entered. The world of parenthood changes your life, and you are never the same! I can’t wait to see all of the changes to her world. The smiles, the laughter, and the mommy grow in her. It’s going to be magical!

Monday Fun Day?

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First Off: I think I might be addicted to blogging now.. and that is ok.

I woke up this morning swollen and in pain. I was awake off and on for about an hour before I actually got out of bed. Once I got to my feet, the same thing that I have been experiencing for the last few days happened. My swollen feet squished beneath my weight, and my right leg screamed in pain!! I am limping today, and I look awkwardly like a penguin. Reminds me of being pregnant. I was able to make it to the bathroom; spent about 15 minutes on the toilet because I didn’t have the energy to get up. Good morning rheumatoid arthritis! I text my co-workers and let them know I was not doing so great, but I would try to make it in.

I made my way downstairs, and realized that I had yet to take my medication. Ugh.. there is NO way I am making it back up the 15 stairs to my bedroom. Sending your 6 year old daughter to fetch your pill sorter is a bit sad, but it is my life now, and I need to accept it. I made my way to the couch, and settled in. My hips are killing me, and my whole right side is in pain. My whole body tingles, and I feel really warm. My little ones are crying for food (they always think they are starving), but I don’t have the energy to get back up yet.

boy-couple-cuddle-cute-girl-love-Favim.com-96491I have been reading about some of the ways to deal with RA. I am wanting to get back to the gym, and start doing a few work outs. Swimming, and very light walking seems like the best way to start. One thing that I have been reading about dealing with illnesses is physical contact. Having full body physical contact with another human being actually releases healing hormones, that also help and can even prevent depression. One article on ABC News goes into this a little bit further. I have been having my girls snuggle me when I am feeling icky, and laying on the couch. I have to admit that it has helped, though I have ended up with some bruises from their little elbows and knees. Overall, it is worth the minor bumps and bruises.

I have a few male friends that I know who would be willing to come over and snuggle with me, but I am afraid that they will expect sex. After reading around the internet further, it seems that cuddling, then sex, then cuddling again ACTUALLY helps your immune system, as well as other benefits. The benefits of sex for physical healing is quit surprising. Being a single woman, I can’t help but think that perhaps I should inquire and begin a casual sexual relationship. I have started such a relationship with Josh, and I am considering showing him the links I have posted above. Maybe make some kind of arrangement with him so that he can help me feel better.

My last post talks about how I am going to kick RA’s ass, which is what has prompted me to look into ways I can heal myself and help get back to normal. The medications I am on are a great starting point, and I may need to increase a few doses or even go on something stronger in the future. I need to prepare myself for that, and be ready to kick some ass if need be! But this discovery is peaking my interest. I am not a real touchy feely person, and am not super fond of coming in contact with people.. but now.. now I am thinking that I actually need to come in regular contact with people on a daily basis. I feel like one thing I need to do in order to be the badass I need to be is to help myself heal. Physical and sexual contact is an easy to administer home treatment for pain, and helping my immune system.

CE3D5E26AC9552E85D83EC32C18D6_h351_w526_m2_bblack_q99_p99_cbfKaHxJJNow, my readers may think I am very odd, and being open to casual sex means that I am promiscuous. This may be true, though I mentioned before that I tend to be a serial monogamous. What I mean is that for the last 14 years I have entered into 5 serious relationships. The first one lasted off and on from the time I was 14 until I was 17. We had a baby girl together when I was 15, and during my pregnancy he became addicted to meth. I tried for years to get him to get off the drug, but to no avail. After 3 years I finally decided that it was time to give up. I was single for about 6 months before I started my relationship with my now ex husband. We lasted 3 years, and had a son. Then came the rebound a month later, and we lasted 18 months, and had a baby girl. I decided at that point that it was time for me to stay single, and I casually dated for about 2 years, but never had a real relationship. One night, I took a man home that I had known for about a month, and we started our relationship. This lasted for 2 1/2 years, and resulted in a baby girl. Now, don’t think I am stupid and just don’t know how to use birth control! My oldest daughter was conceived from pure ignorance, and ONE time without a condom. I can name the date, and almost the exact time I conceived her. The other three were ALL conceived with multiple forms of birth control. I decided to get my tubes tied after my 4th. I had enough with accidental pregnancies. My 5th serious relationship came just two months after my relationship ended. This was with Jeff, and if you have read any of my previous blogs, you all know how this ended. At least I didn’t have a baby with him… that would have been awful. But I digress…

Now that I have been single for about 2 months now, and still have NO urge to be in a relationship with anyone, having the cuddles and sex that I need to help me heal is going to have to occur with casual sex, and cuddles. I am sure that my male friends would have no issues with this, however I do not want to have multiple sexual partners. This is where it gets complicated for me. If I want regular cuddles to help with my healing, I am going to need more than one person. Cuddling with just one person is going to start to create an emotional bond with them, and I do not want that to happen. Also, it may send the wrong message; I do not want a relationship!! However, I do want to heal and honestly.. at this point being a serial cuddler at this point sounds much better and more applicable than being a serial monogamous.

Being sick with an autoimmune disease is hard in general, and doing it alone is ridiculously hard. I have to admit that I need help, which is very hard for me. So in order for me to kick rheumatoid arthritis’s ass, and get my life back I need to allow myself to accept every type of treatment that I can get to get myself back there. Back to who I was, and back to where I want to be! So, is this something I should take into consideration and become a cuddle slut?

I am strongly considering this…

Easy like Sunday Morning

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This morning I woke up to many things. Texts telling me that the new baby is here, and I finally get to meet Lilly; my best friend’s baby girl. Texts with winky faces from Joel, and one calling me a “loser with awesome tits”. My friends are so nice to me… Thank you Dustin. I will keep that in mind next time I look in the mirror and doubt myself. But the most prominent thing that I woke with is pain. All over. My whole body hurts! My throat is tight, and burns when I swallow. I have a blister on the right side of my mouth, and small blisters on my cheeks, as well as ones that lead from my chin down my neck. The right side of my body is in more pain than the left, as I assume I slept on it funny. My right arm is mostly numb, and my right knee is killing me. The alarm for my pills is going off, but Sunday morning is when I refill it.

285x285_IBS_Symptoms_Pain_2My bed is a mess. The sheets pulled up off one corner, and my blanket are in twists that I have no idea how I managed. I move, and pain shoots through my neck, down both arms and into my back. My stomach turns. Every time I move, I can feel my muscles tighten, and the soreness burns. Ugh.. I was doing so well, and now I am struggling to get out of bed. How long is it going to take me today? I lay in bed trying to get my vision together; I can’t see. Rubbing my eyes hurts my hands and my eyes, but I have to get my vision as clear and possible. I realize that half my hand is numb. Lovely. I shift to be flat on my back, and again the pain takes over. I consider getting up to get pain medication, but I am going to see Jenni and her baby today. I refuse to drive once I take the medication. Reluctantly I force myself into sitting position and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. My whole body tenses up, as little pins and needles feel like they are tearing through my joints. I refuse to stay in bed any longer!!

Once I am to my feet, I can feel the swelling. Dammit. My whole body is swollen, and I feel my feet squish under my weight. Step one: My right leg stiffens up, and I nearly lose my balance. Pain shoots from my knee down to my feet. Step two, my left leg aches, but I can put my full weight on it. Fantastic. I limped my way to the bathroom. I haven’t felt this bad in a few weeks, and I have no idea why it is that I am feeling like this now. I wouldn’t call this an RA flareup, but I am not quite sure what to call it. Normal RA problems? The aches and pains I feel are pretty common, from what I have read online, but I don’t know if I can ever get used to this. I have been in pain for two years now, and it has taken a HUGE toll on my body. I look at the pictures of me that were taken just a few years ago, and I look so much younger. I feel like I have aged 5 years in two. I used to look much younger than I do now, but now I am looking my age, and even have people who guess older than I really am. This is honestly very depressing. I have gain 30 lbs since going on my new medication, and I feel horribly unattractive. Jeff’s insults about my looks, my body, and my home spin through my head. Now he is with someone who has no children, and is in great shape. That doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person, and everything about who he is.. but it hurts none the less. I can’t help but feel shame about my body.

Josh responded very positively to me, but I am still self conscious. I worry he is thinking the same thing that Jeff did, but is hiding it from me. Same with anyone else I come in contact with who says I am attractive. I don’t feel attractive most days. I don’t feel healthy, strong, or attractive most days. But I have realized why…

woman-with-head-in-handsDuring the last few years I have been told I am too harsh, too abrasive, and a bit aggressive. I am also praised for my strength, and my ability to push through every little thing that is thrown my way! I am strong! I am a warrior, and I am looked up to by many. So why try to change me? As I have become softer, and sweeter to please my significant other, I have lost my ability to handle the things that come my way. I have slowly become weaker and weaker, and though my physical state has a huge part of this, I have emotionally become weak as well. This is understandable, right? Anyone else would do just the same, and I can’t be blamed for my sorrows. But I am NOT just anyone. I am not the same as everyone else! I am ME! I am a fucking warrior! I have made many trips to hell, and came back with a glorious smile, flexing my emotional muscles to show the world that it can’t take me down!!! How have I been able to do this time and time again? Why am I not able to handle this nearly as much as I could before? Because I have been worn down, and smoothed out. Some may think this is a good thing, but when life is constantly throwing you under the bus, being soft and squishy gets you killed.

It takes a special kind of person to deal with a woman like me, and though I loved Jeff, I am beginning to realize that trying to adjust myself to be what he and his kids needed was actually destroying my ability to deal with my own life. The amount of love I have for them will never go away, but I am never going to be the soft, sweet woman they need. I am rough around the edges, and can be hard as a rock, but that is who I need to be. I can not be an emotional, sweet, affectionate mother. A sweet, patient, soft voiced woman is not what I am, and trying to soften myself for them has slowly caused my own personal erosion. As much as I would like it to be different, the BITCH in me is what gets me through my life. When I look back at my life, all of the pain and anguish I suffered, I was able to get through it by putting my BITCH face on. That is what I need to do now.

CaptureNow, don’t get me wrong. I don’t need to be a bitch to those around me. That is not what I am saying at all right now. What I am saying is I need to look RA in the face, and refuse to back down. I need to be a complete bitch to RA. I need to puff out my chest, get in my warrior stance, and push RA to the ground! I need to start a fight with RA because it has been knocking me around for years, and trying to be the soft squishy mother/gf that was needed at the time has caused me to fall. I need to get back up!! I need to pull my anger, my bitterness, and my anguish together and put my walls back up! Right now is not a time for love. It is not a time to try to open my heart to others, and be what SOMEONE else needs. Right now it is time for ME! It is time for me to knock this shit down, and be the badass bitch that I really am!

I am a warrior!

I am a badass!

I AM A BITCH! And I am DAMN proud of it!!! Rheumatoid Arthritis? Get ready to get your ass kicked! That Bitch Becca is coming for you, and I take NO hostages!

Her tearful eyes..

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When I was pregnant with my youngest daughter, I was fearful of what would happen. Her father and I had accidentally conceived her, and we didn’t exactly get along. We had a lot of issues, so I had moved in with my sister in Idaho for a bit. The daughter I am writing about below is now 13, but I fear that I will have similar experiences in the future. I don’t know what made me think of this tonight, but here it is. It is called “Her Tearful Eyes”

Favim.com-31660 She stares at the floor, tears running down her face, and she confesses to me the things she dare not express. She tells me of loss, of pain, and the feeling of loneliness she suffers. Slowly she speaks through waves of emotion, and expresses to me the things I dare not hear. Though I can’t stand the words she speaks, and too feel the warmth of tears in my eyes, I simply listen and choke back my sorrow for her. 

It is such pain to listen to the soft tales of woe. To watch her nervously pick at the item in her hand. A small token of comfort she can not sleep without, and is quick to panic if lost. The conversation is short, but it’s coming was long.. dreadfully expected… and though I know what she is going to say, the words still sting in a way that only someone like her can understand. I can’t remember what it feels like, being in her shoes, though I wore them for so long. After time you forget.. forget and the pain wears down; forget that you carry this weight. Forgotten, but not gone. 

I brush her hair from her face, kiss her on her head, and speak words that only I can speak. I tell her of the love that surrounds her, the love within her, and the love to come. I give thanks for her existance, of her ability to carry the weight, of the hope of the future… and I apologize for many mistakes. 

After we dry her tears, have a quick laugh, sigh, and agree to be ok, I watch her leave the room.. much brighter than when she entered it. Sitting on the edge of the bed, I look at the toys scattered across the floor. A bed covered in girlish blankets, flowers, and dolls. Placing my hand upon my oversized womb, I remember when she once occupied the same space. Tucked safely inside me, no harm, no tears. 

Capture As little girls, we all dream of the perfect life. The perfect man! Perfect wedding! Husband! Father! We all want the world to come together and paint the path of beautiful existence!! We dance with our invisible Prince Charming, and sing sweet love songs to an image of our choice. Love, life, and innocence. 

Long has that image faded from my eyes. Faded into something I could never imagine, something no mother, sister, nor child should indure. In it’s place is a beautiful young daughter.. with such sad stories to tell. Stories of an absent father, and what it means to her. 

Through tears she expresses what it feels like to watch the other children, knowing she will never get the chance to share such joys. That instead of a father who takes her shopping, and drinks tea with her at a tiny table.. she loves a father who stumbles, and stutters, and falls over her in a drunken stupor. One who promises to set things straight, and then sends himself straight to jail… gone for months.. Over and again. Missing birthdays, Easters, and even Christmas. Promises made, and broken.. promises she holds in her heart, and it, in turn breaks with them. 

Try as I might, I will never be able to make that up to her.. for it is not my place. I can not undo the things he has done, and I can not fill the hole in her that he leaves. Of all the things in the world that a young girl needs, a father is at the top of that list. To lead her, to guide her, and show her what it means to be loved. Show her that she deserves respect. 

I wait until she is fast asleep, the bowl of popcorn still sitting on the table; the movie about a pup who saves Christmas still flashing on the screen, and I cry for her. I cry for her pain, for it is also my pain. She yearns for him to hold her, read her stories, and tuck her in at night. I weep for the nights she prays, and asks a responseless God ‘Why?’. 

pregnant-bellyPlacing my hand once again upon my belly, I can’t help but fear for my unborn daughter. Though the father is new, and the man who causes my eldest her pain is not the same, I fear that she will shed the same tears… share the same fears, and carry on what no child, girl or boy, should ever have to feel. Asking a question that mother should have to answer. “Does he even love me?”