Recently I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, and as much as I have tried to be ok.. I am not. I am not ok. I am in constant pain, and this has been going on for almost TWO FUCKING YEARS. I was hoping that we could find a solution. When I was told I had an allergy and intolerance to gluten.. fine. I had a hard time going off the food, and often want to slip back into eating it, but I went off. It started to make me feel better, and though I don’t get the intense stomach pains I have endured for the last few years, my joint pain got worse. Now I have RA? Seriously? What.. the fuck? Why? Why has this happened to me? Call me a self pity bitch, but haven’t I been through enough already? Why the FUCK do I have to have some debilitating disease, and at only 28??? What the hell is that all about? I am so mad! I have a hard enough time doing things as it is, and now I have this SHIT I have to deal with forever. People keep telling me that it will be ok, and I can do it… But how do they know? I don’t see them waltzing into my house and doing my laundry. Cleaning my kitchen, feeding my kids. You do know that is the HARDEST fucking thing for me now, right? Just going up and down the fucking stairs to tuck my kids in can wear me out. And no. It isn’t because I am fat, which I am perfectly fucking aware that I am. Thank you…. It is because of this stupid disease that has been slowly depleting the joints that I use to fucking walk. My hands, elbows, shoulders, neck. My fucking STERNUM.. hurt. They all hurt. And yes, I can push through it. Yeah, I can do this. But I don’t know if I want to anymore. Some days I can’t even look at my kids, or stand the feel of them touching me. It hurts to have them climb on me, and how fair is that to them? Emma screams and yells at everyone, while Alaina cries over every last thing that happens, and Sadia acts like she deserves the freedom of an 18 year old. This stress makes it so much harder, and it actually makes my physical pain worse. Sometimes I don’t even want to go home because I will have to deal with my kids. What kind of mother does that make me? If people knew this was how I felt, how much would they still respect me? They wouldn’t. I have been dating.. well.. was dating.. the same person for two years. I ended up pushing all of my emotional weight on him, and now he is gone. He is still my “friend”, but I have lost him in so many other ways. He has seen this harsh side of me that I hate so much and hide from everyone, and it is ugly. He saw this side of me, and he turned away. He no longer wants to be involved with me, as he feels I am an ungrateful bitch. And I agree… but I don’t know how to change it. I am so angry with everything that keeps happening to me and my children, that I just want to scream until I pass out. There is so much hurt and anger inside me, the only way I can get it out is to do this. I have decided I will post my random thoughts, anger, and frustrations on this blog. Nobody has the link, and I think it might be good to see how it makes me feel. If I can recover, or cope with my illness better than I was. Maybe I can become a better person and Jeff will have me back.
Insanity thinking that I can change my life with a blog? You’d be surprised what “therapy” can do for you, and right now this is the only therapy that I can afford… or handle. I don’t think I could handle expressing my most inner demons with someone besides Jeff. And now I don’t even really have him anymore. He will always be my friend, so he says, but there is something missing. Call me a selfish bitch again, but I want him. I just want to feel his arms around me, holding me, kissing me, and telling me things will be ok. I want to see his face at the end of every day. I want to hear him tell me about his life. His frustrations. Anything he wants to tell me. I want to see his kids, and have movie night… I want a fucking life with him, and now it will never happen. Not that it had much chance of happening in the fucking first place… but now. Now it is hopeless.
Hopeless… that is what I am at this point. I am hopeless. I am under paid, and over worked. I am alone emotionally, and it is all my fault. Every little piece of my life is there because of something I did. Because of a decision I made. It is all my fault. I am the only one who can change my life, but I don’t think I have the energy, or the drive. I really wish I could find it…. though sinking in and having someone take care of me every day sounds better. Can I have both?