Happily Unhappy

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Today I decided that I am happily unhappy. I am one of “those” people who has had many ups and down in her life, and has learned to take each new curve ball with what appears to be grace. Well.. kind of. I would say that I handle it, and am often told that I am admired for all the things I can recover from. I am given “props” on a regular basis for juggling so many things that the average person can’t juggle. (Or so they assume… because they have never been in a situation where they had to do so. So how would they know?) I have so many things going on in my life that I simplify it by creating a routine for my girls and myself. Same thing every day, or as close as to the same thing as I can possibly create. I have no hobbies. I have very little social life, and what social life I do have is with my 30 yr old boyfriend who seems to have much more baggage than I do. And that is saying a lot. I adore his every move, however his depression gets to me. I am much better at hiding mine, hence the title of this post “Happily Unhappy”. I am content, though insanely anxious, with my situation. I have a good paying job, that only gets better with my performance. I have beautiful children who love me and love to be around me. I have a home. A vehicle. I am also proud to say that I do it all on my own. I have no support from the many fathers of my children (we will come back to this) which renders the “strong woman” opinion I get from pretty much anyone who knows me…  yet… deep down I am very displeased with everything around me. I am displeased with who I am. With who I am making my children out to be. With the way that I look. Feel. Sound. I am quite unhappy with all of the above. That being said, at the same time.. I AM very proud of what I do every day. That I can do these things on my own. That I can wake up every day and provide for so many people. That I can carry on smiling, joking.. Being what everyone expects me to be. This makes me.. happy? Content? I really can’t formulate how it actually makes me feel other than.. Happily Unhappy.

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