Ulceritis Colitis to Cellulitis Lymphatic – I’m dying

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Dear healthy friend and/ or family member who responded with a big, “I’m so sorry” or “That’s just so sad!”, or whatever kind of sympathetic dismissive words toy chose when I informed you of my cellulitis that’s now in my lymphatic system:

Sympathy isn’t something I really want, or need. I was more sharing what went on so you could understand. I know it’s weird and stuff for you, but it’s almost normal for me. Scary, for sure. Don’t get me wrong. A terribly awful day… But it’s nothing I haven’t been through and won’t go through again. I’ve lost so much weight the last month, and gone down two pants sizes. I’ve barely been out of bed, and come to find out my feeling like I was dying is because… I really was. Not because I’m dramatic, or want attention. What a concept.

I need more understanding and less good thoughts. I need more help and less prayers. I need more love and less hopes and wishes of me getting well. Good vibes are great and all, but good vibes don’t clean my shower of bacteria. Or do my laundry I can’t keep up on.

Be realistic. I’m going to be ok this time around, but what about the one time I’m NOT going to be ok?

How much will you regret not being there for me? Because if the roles were reversed, and I were still healthy, I’d be there for you. You damn well know it.

I’ve been there for so many of you. Even in my sickness and health. I’ve been sick since 2011. Have I been there for you in any way shape or form since then? I’ll always be here for you, whatever you need. If I’m capable, you got it. That’s just the person I am. Even now! Can you please do the same for me? I’m in so much need right now. So much pain. I’m actually falling apart, from my insides to my skin. Literally, there’s holes in every bit of me.

Help me.

Sincerely and utterly desperately broken,

Me.

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2018 Day One

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I started this year off sick, alone, and miserable.

It can only go up from here, right?

Yesterday I was in the shower, attempting to get clean and get some energy to be with people. My back was hurting wad fiercely, and my muscles were so weak from days of not processing food, and vomiting, that I nearly lost consciousness.

What kept me from passing out was turning the water from warm to cold very quickly, and giving my senses a shock. Luckily I was on conditioner by then; I quickly rinsed and stepped out of the shower. My bathroom was a mess. Covered in messes from my 4 kids. My body ached so bad, stomach hurt and the urge to vomit was overwhelming.

I’m very ill right now, and my body is nor handling it well. I’m tring very hard to get through this, but I also feel so guilty! I feel like such a burden when I lay in rest, and try to recover. Sometimes I’m ok for days and weeks, and other times I’m in bed for weeks.

Yesterday I was out of bed ling enough to realize showering this ill without someone down here could result in my passing out, and causing serious damage to myself and this house. Not a good thing!

So this year I’m going to work on staying within my limits. Without guilt.

I’m going to work on being alone without feeling lonely. Inevitably. I don’t think I’ll meet anyone who can be with me. I simply don’t.

I will work on teaching my kids better house keeping so I don’t slip on wet floors when I almost pass out in the shower.

Day one wasn’t the best. I’m having a rough day. But it’s just one day. We always have tomorrow.

I’ll be sure to let my kids know that no matter what… I love them. They’re amazing! They’re my favorite humans! I’m so glad they’re mine.

I Got This

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My heart hurts today.

All the stress, all the hardships, all the sickness. It’s coming down on my shoulders.

My body hurts. My head hurts. My skin hurts. My joints, muscles, etc.

But besides all that, my heart hurts.

I’m unsure exactly why it’s today, but I simply want to cry.

It could be that two of my children are sick, one with hives all over her body, refusing to stop going to the place that causes her outbreaks.

The other hypoglycemic and showing sounds of hyperthyroidism. My daughter who has had chronic illness symptoms for 5 years.

I have been trying to steady my breathing for hours, my cheeks flushed and hands shaking. It’s working, but only to an extent.

My heart hurts. It’s like my broken little heart is being pried open, and I’m being reminded that I’m all alone in this. Motherhood. Recovery. Struggles. The works.

I have amazing friends, and wonderful family. My life doesn’t have room for anyone else now. Yet my heart aches from loneliness, and I just want to be comforted and held during a scary and hard time in my life.

My son is home, and he’s beginning to thrive! Making friends, hanging out with them, and bringing joy to my days seeing him so happy! He’s requested some new toys, and tells me he loves me every day! He hugs me, and calls me mom! Music to my ears!

I have so many beautiful things in my life to be thankful for, and I’m ever so grateful for everything and everyone. My heart is so full, yet I’m still so hurt.

Tonight I’m laying in my bed, by myself. I have a few baskets of clean laundry to fold and put away, but my body is in so much pain I couldn’t even imagine doing so. My elbows, back, hands, and stomach are all culprits of agony.

The last thing I need is my emotions going haywire.

The problem with anxiety is how hard it is to control and get to calm completely back down once it’s started. Writing helps, talking helps, and other forms of expression.

I used to walk. Run. Dance. Clean. Get active when I got anxious. Now my body can’t handle my anxiety attacks, as even the tension from the emotion causes my pain to increase.

So now my heart hurts, my body hurts, and my anxiety is playing games with my emotions.

I know I’ll get through tonight. I’ll even get through tomorrow. I’ll get through each and every day of the rest of my life, regardless of how hard.

I’ll get through my loneliness, and keep going. Because that’s what I do. My life is too full and complicated for a fix to that problem any time soon.

I will get through my flare, through my concerns, through all the mess I need to. I got this, and I’ll continue to handle this.

I just need to breathe. A few tears may fall. My temperature is elevated to 99.1°f – and I don’t run hotter than 97.6°f. Ever. But I got this. I’m handling this. U

Unconditionally

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I struggle with the unconditional love I have for another. I want it to go away, for very obvious reasons. For one, it’s unrequited. That’s incredibly painful.

Two, the owner of my love belongs to another. Now they have spawned.

My heart is so happy for them. I’ve already taken steps within his family to help with the safety of that child, details of which I don’t feel like going into at this time.

Unconditional.

Without condition.

It extends to pieces of that human.

I am struggling with my love for this human because it’s extended into multiple people now, and my caring just might even include the women who has kept him from me, and will continue to do so.

Their happiness is very much something I would like to see; actual trusting, loving, caring, happiness. I want nothing more amazing and beautiful for this human. Though he’s hurt so many.

Walked away from the people who care for him and turned his back on his own family. To the point of changing his LEGAL name to another. A family that he burned the bridges to. He made the decision to betray, lie to, and berate. Always, it takes two to tango, however there’s lines you don’t cross. Ooh love, you crossed every one of them. To make things worse, he never admitted, acknowledged, or apologized for those mistakes.

I know this behavior from him all too well. It’s heartbreaking, and the only thing you can do to stay in favor of this wounded soul I adore so much, is stand by his side. Always.

My heart couldn’t handle the break. It was all too much, and nobody had hurt me like that before. Nobody had got behind my walls like that before. It was an emotional travesty. Not ok.

But I stuck it out, and reached out to him! For months! I said I was there always – friends no matter what! Unconditional love!

It’s been nearly a year since the day my heart broke. Later, upon discovery after discovery of details of deception, approaching him about each one, and getting no answers from him. Ever. I finally decided to completely give up on ever being ok with seeing him. It will forever anger, hurt, and break me.

I’m struggling because this unconditional feeling. I want to call and ensure he’s ok. Ensure the safety of his family. Encourage happiness, and parental awesomeness. How to do all the amazing things newborns do. How to care for his post-natal birth giver.

Why do I care? Because secretly I’m not the asshole people think I am.

Because I love this human unconditionally. So it’s causing this struggle inside me.

I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to carry on with my life. Spend the time with my kids, one of which I was just reunited with after 8yrs. Distract my thoughts of this entire situation, my ridiculous unconditional love, and carry on. I know he’s enveloped in his beautiful new baby, and hope he’s able to bask in the joy that having a new baby brings.

Because as much as he has loved before, now he knows what its like to truly love unconditionally. Welcome to parenthood, J.

Best wishes be with you and yours. He’s adorable.

Hear Them Breathe

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I hear them breathe.

All of them. All 4 of my precious creatures.

I get to spend every night under the same roof as every single one of my babies now.

I get to hear them laugh. Hear them bicker. Hear them have regular little conversations.

I get to see their messes. See their faces. Touch them and hug them. They let me be their clingy mom still. For I’m their mother and their mommy.

I couldn’t be happier! My babies are all here with me; where they belong.

It’s been my dream all along, just to be with them. To hear them be. To see them grow. To be their mommy.

To just be here. With them. Together. My little family! All I have ever wanted were my babies together. To be able to lay down at night and know they’re here with me. To close my eyes and listen vey carefully To the sounds of the night…

To hear them sleep. To hear them breathe.

I gave them life. They give me a reason to live.

My Heart Doesn’t Have To Be Broken

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He’s home.

The only boy, or man who will ever hold my heart forever, no matter what he does.

Unconditionally, and unwavering. The only or who I will always want to see. No matter what!

Who’s beautiful hazel eyes sparkle when I tell him I love him, just as they have since he first heard those words and learned to say them back!

I LOVE saying his name and having him look at me. Having him see how much I still love him and always have! Always will. From the moment I laid my eyes on him, I’ve been in love!

I love saying, “Son.”

I love hearing, “Mom.” in his 13yr old man voice.

My heart can finally heal from the ache of my baby being taken from me, so so long ago.

A wee 5yr old mama’s boy, swooped away by his biological father in an angry fit. Now to be returned for SOOOOO long.

My boy is home. MY BOY! My son.

My only son! My beautiful, sweet, not so little anymore because he’s at least 2 inches taller than me, little boy is HOME.

I’ve cried tears of relief that I wasn’t even sure I’d ever cry. I love these joyfully, wondrous tears. I was unsure they’d ever fall, yet here we are.

My heart doesn’t have to be broken anymore. He’s home. MY son. My only son is here with me. Where he belongs.

I feel whole again.

Burned into My System.

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There’s so many forms of pain, and I’m oddly angry at the universe for putting me through SO many of those various forms of agony.

However at the same time, I’m thankful in a strange way. In some very twisted ways, I feel like though my heart is tattered, torn, and ratted from the impossible situations I’ve survived… There’s still a beauty to the way I have cradled it within myself.

The way I’ve stuffed it full of whatever love I could muster, and said, “I choose to live anyway. To love regardless. Because we all deserve that.”

The disgusting irony is that I happen to love you the most, and you can’t even look me in the eye anymore; nor can I you, so there’s no hope for the love deserved. That I deserve. That I need.

There’s no happy ending for me. I choose loneliness over a false, a substitute, a filler. I’m fine being just a full heart, broken and tattered. We have a silly love story that can’t be told.

Shhh. My dirty little secret. Don’t speak of it. They might hear you and then for ONCE you’d have to man up for your mistakes. Tell the truth, and pull down the wall of lies you’ve surrounded yourself with. Ignorance is bliss, but your ignorance isn’t blissful, is it? It’s just more “happy” mistakes.

You’re my favorite mistake. A mistake never regretted, but forever burned into my system. Burnt like a never healing slice in my heart! You’re burned into my nervous system and I can’t get rid of you. You’re part of who I am. No matter if we never speak again.