Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is my surgery. 

Goodbye asshole gallbladder. Goodbye random food intolerances. Goodbye constant vile bile. I’m so sick of this sickness! I can go back to being my normal level of me sick. 

I just want this awful organ out of my body. One more day. Less than 24 hours of this disgusting mess left. Thank bloody hell. 

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Comfortably Numb

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I forgot what it’s like to be fully sober. 

To wake up with zero pain medication. One hundred percent in my body, suffering the aches and pains in my fully sober and untreated self. It’s agony. 

I threw my back out yesterday, and I have have been in intense pain ever since. I took my last pain pill the day before, on a Sunday, not realizing the Monday was a holiday, my pain prescription was out of refills and I’d have to wait until Tuesday for the Drs to be back in office to get a new prescription. This on top of my regular agony, and my 7 week extra pain recently discovered to be a stone filed gallbladder. Swollen, irritated to the max and ready to come out! My consult is at noon today with my general surgeon to schedule to surgery, but I’m in agonizing pain. 

I’m past my threshold. Every joint in my body is aching, grinding, and every inch of my skin is needles and fire. I can hear it in my head when I move my eyes, and my ears drums are so swollen, it hurts to hear the children playing outside my window. A sound I typically adore. 

It’s 8:33am. I barely slept last night, even with 150mg of trazadone in my system. The pain was too much for my body to take. It was far too much to sleep through. I’m used to the pain. The agony. The utter endless discomfort and pain. But expecting me to sleep through a gallbladder of this severity of needing to be removed, and my back in this amount of turmoil… On top of all my typical agony? With only anti-inflammatory and topir? I think not.

I just want to be comfortably numb. 

I Need To Rest

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Waking up so sick, hitting the bathroom, back to bed. Sleep. 

Waking up from the sickness. Bathroom. Bed. Sleep. 

Sickness. Bathroom. Bed. Sleep. 

That’s been my last two days. 

Right now I’m awake in bed. The first time in nearly 24 hours. My stomach is turning, my head is killing me. My body aches from all the gut churning sickness. I don’t have the stored energy for this. I’m so tired of being so fragile. 

My thyroid is swollen, and it’s hard to swallow. My stomach is so sensitive, even water makes it churn and growl. My digestive system seems hell bent on ridding itself of everything I’ve ever eaten in my 32 years of life. My entire body aches from the sickness, and I’m positive I’m not even close to fully ingesting my medications, if at all. But I’m still trying to take them as usual. When I can get myself to wake up to the alarms. 

I’ve woken multiple times to my own body expelling its waste, and having no control over my own bodily functions. I’ve not felt this helpless in months. I have not been this ill in so long. I hope it passes soon.

I am lucky to have love and support, or I wouldn’t get through this. It’s hell. I am a mess of a human. So much going on, and so much ahead of me. My body is going through too much, and my mind even more. 

I need to rest. 

Tests… And More Tests

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Tests. So many tests. 

Phone calls. More and more phone calls. 

Drs. Nurses. Counselors and social workers who offer support during hardships like this. I declined. So far there is only speculation and “abnormal test results”. 

The first biopsy is soon. September 6th. I’m not scared, yet at the same time I am terrified. Nothing I can do to change the results. I’ll simply have to accept them as they are. 

Hope for the very best. Prepare for the very worst. In all my posi-pesi fashion. 

This first biopsy isn’t even of the breast tissue. That’s taking a backseat to the possible cancerous tissue in my vaginal wall. I’m sure it’s nothing… Just more tests. 

Tests on top of tests on top of tests. 

I’m so tired.

Lumps

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Lumps… Not one, but two. Left side.

Hopefully it’s just fibrocystic breast disease.

I can’t sleep. My mammography ultrasound is tomorrow afternoon. Well, technically today. 2:40pm. Less than 12hrs away.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of new symptoms. New things inside my body going wrong.

I’m tired of lumps.

One Step Closer

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I’m going in for an ultrasound of my thyroid. My Dr said that the chances are very high that it’s something serious, based on my symptoms and my family history. 

Did some bloodwork. Met with a counselor before even leaving the Dr’s office to talk about dealing with being diagnosed with serious illnesses/diseases and dealing with that. 

One step at a time though. Just one step… If it’s cancer, I can beat it, right? If it’s hashimotos, I can live with it, right? Hypothyroidism is nothing! I’m totally good with that. 
One step… I’m overwhelmed, but I’ll be ok. I got this. I always make it out ok. I’m always one step closer to my death, but I manage. I survive. I keep it together. 

Allergic To Everything

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I’ve been so sick lately, I wish I knew what to do to fix it. 

I’m trying to treat this like I would a gluten reaction, as in pretty sure it’s a reaction to dairy, based on my symptoms, but it’s been almost two weeks and I’m still hurting pretty bad. My lower abdomen is swollen and bloated. My body aches all over. I can’t settle my digestive tract at all. From my stomach to my intestines, it’s gurgling non stop, nearly 24 hours a day. It feels like I’ve been violated anally over and over, I’m so sore. 

My head is now shaved on one side, to relieve pressure and pain from the trigeminal nerve, but the last few days the swelling and pain has been awful. My gums on the right side are also very swollen along with the trigeminal nerve, and I can taste blood. It’s been so awful. I can barely eat, and I can’t shit upright for more than about 20 minutes without feeling lightheaded and exhausted. It’s been such misery. 

I hate feeling so useless. It’s so awful, and so hurtful. I feel like such a lump of a human when I’m like this. I am emotional and physically weak. I just want to get up and go! I want to get out of bed and help! Sit upstairs and at least enjoy the children playing. Kids being funny. The adorable little dances my friend’s daughter does. I’m missing life so much right now. Instead I’m stuck in my bed, and after nearly 14 days with only a few times up and out, I’m feeling so useless. 

I can barely consume anything that’s solid. No dairy. Obviously no gluten. I’m hungry! I’m sad. I’m a bit angry. I’m lonely, but I don’t want company in this state. Rushing to the bathroom multiple times a day. My stomach rejecting anything and everything I consume. Soup. Jello. Whatever. It’s been so hard on my frail body. I’ve dropped 9lbs in the last week alone. I wish I could lose weight the healthy way, and not because my body is freaking out. 

I just want to get healthier. I simply want life to improve for me. I can’t help but wonder if this is partially emotional. I saw Jeremiah just a day before all this began. The upset stomach. The weakness. I’m sure it has very little to add to my condition, but a broken heart has literally killed people in the past. I’m much stronger, and I’m pushing myself through this, but seeing him really hurts me. It causes so much to happen inside me, and I wish I had better control. 

At this point I only have myself to blame for what happens in his presence. I should be long past this by now. It’s August of 2017, and things ended between us in December of 2016. At this point I’ve been hitting longer than we were even a thing. All I know is that man crept inside my heart and soul like none other has, and I’ve yet to be rid of him. As much as I have tried, I still have very loving feelings for him. They must have attached to my long standing friendly feelings, which I have a hard time getting rid of for anyone. I have no idea how to rid myself of the gut wrenching, soul piercing, heart breaking feelings I get from him. I have never had to do this before. Even just typing this out is making my head, my heart, and my stomach hurt. 

My throat is on fire. Tears stream down my face. My stomach is turning, and gurgling. It hurts in every capacity to think about it. My emotions are on high from being this ill. That must be it, and not the other way around, right? I have wasted far too many moments on the subject of Jeremiah Raynor. I’m aware he does not feel the same for me, as much as it would be something to my heart and soul if he did. I have no idea what I would do; likely nothing. He’s in a relationship with the mother of his child, and she’s due in only a few short months. I’m positive he wants more children long term, and I can’t provide this to him. I’m not enough, and he made that very clear last December. 

I need to focus on my health. In my mental and physical happiness. My body is improving, my general health, up until now, was improving, and I feel is improving and will continue to do so. My emotional stability is vastly different, and has improved so much over the years. I’ve had moments of great sadness, but they are few and far between. It’s been a relief to be able to have a clearer mind, and general better self. My stress is still high, but I handle it day to day. Overall my life, situation, and well being is improving. 

I need to just keep moving. I can’t ignore these feelings I have, they’d be just as bad as ignoring my symptoms. I need to address them and work through them. I think that’s what’s been holding me back. I’ve been ignoring my deep love for Miah, and not accepting, viewing it as something I have and can leave behind, and moving on. I should remember the things I love, and accept that it’s ok I have those feelings, and that I am going to be without him in my life. That he and I are not ok, and he prefers it that way as well. 

Much like my what I can and can’t have in my life art this time, or what I can and can’t have in my diet. As silly as that sounds. I love gluten and dairy, but it is bad for me. It causes my entire body to swell, and get upset. It hurts me over and over. It causes me to be bedridden, and sick.

Am I comparing love to gluten? 

Haha! Apparently that’s where I’m at in life. Love is like gluten and dairy. I’m allergic to it. And not all love, mind you. Just his love.. Just him. Just being around him while he’s at this point in his life and I’m at this point in mine. Maybe one day we can be friends again. That would be lovely. I’d really like that. One day when seeing him doesn’t rip me apart. When my guts don’t churn and my stomach doesn’t turn inside out. When I don’t feel like dying every time his beautiful blue eyes look at me with that sad, yet yearning look. I don’t even know what to think of it. Maybe one day when his girlfriend doesn’t hover over him, and look at me with that stern face, all while trying to make small talk. “I don’t want to talk to you, lady. You stole my love from me, and you don’t even appreciate him. Back off before I bite your face off with my artillery of words.”  Maybe one day when I’m not this sick. This sick of everything and nearly everyone. Including you two. I’ll be happy for you two being together one day. I am very excited for that baby, though. Miah.. a daddy. I know he’s both elated and terrified. But I’m so sick of heading about it. So…

Maybe one day when I’m not allergic to what feels like everything under the sun. Including my love for you, J. Or your love for me? That’s long gone though, isn’t it?