Unconditionally

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I struggle with the unconditional love I have for another. I want it to go away, for very obvious reasons. For one, it’s unrequited. That’s incredibly painful.

Two, the owner of my love belongs to another. Now they have spawned.

My heart is so happy for them. I’ve already taken steps within his family to help with the safety of that child, details of which I don’t feel like going into at this time.

Unconditional.

Without condition.

It extends to pieces of that human.

I am struggling with my love for this human because it’s extended into multiple people now, and my caring just might even include the women who has kept him from me, and will continue to do so.

Their happiness is very much something I would like to see; actual trusting, loving, caring, happiness. I want nothing more amazing and beautiful for this human. Though he’s hurt so many.

Walked away from the people who care for him and turned his back on his own family. To the point of changing his LEGAL name to another. A family that he burned the bridges to. He made the decision to betray, lie to, and berate. Always, it takes two to tango, however there’s lines you don’t cross. Ooh love, you crossed every one of them. To make things worse, he never admitted, acknowledged, or apologized for those mistakes.

I know this behavior from him all too well. It’s heartbreaking, and the only thing you can do to stay in favor of this wounded soul I adore so much, is stand by his side. Always.

My heart couldn’t handle the break. It was all too much, and nobody had hurt me like that before. Nobody had got behind my walls like that before. It was an emotional travesty. Not ok.

But I stuck it out, and reached out to him! For months! I said I was there always – friends no matter what! Unconditional love!

It’s been nearly a year since the day my heart broke. Later, upon discovery after discovery of details of deception, approaching him about each one, and getting no answers from him. Ever. I finally decided to completely give up on ever being ok with seeing him. It will forever anger, hurt, and break me.

I’m struggling because this unconditional feeling. I want to call and ensure he’s ok. Ensure the safety of his family. Encourage happiness, and parental awesomeness. How to do all the amazing things newborns do. How to care for his post-natal birth giver.

Why do I care? Because secretly I’m not the asshole people think I am.

Because I love this human unconditionally. So it’s causing this struggle inside me.

I’m going to do nothing. I’m going to carry on with my life. Spend the time with my kids, one of which I was just reunited with after 8yrs. Distract my thoughts of this entire situation, my ridiculous unconditional love, and carry on. I know he’s enveloped in his beautiful new baby, and hope he’s able to bask in the joy that having a new baby brings.

Because as much as he has loved before, now he knows what its like to truly love unconditionally. Welcome to parenthood, J.

Best wishes be with you and yours. He’s adorable.

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Hear Them Breathe

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I hear them breathe.

All of them. All 4 of my precious creatures.

I get to spend every night under the same roof as every single one of my babies now.

I get to hear them laugh. Hear them bicker. Hear them have regular little conversations.

I get to see their messes. See their faces. Touch them and hug them. They let me be their clingy mom still. For I’m their mother and their mommy.

I couldn’t be happier! My babies are all here with me; where they belong.

It’s been my dream all along, just to be with them. To hear them be. To see them grow. To be their mommy.

To just be here. With them. Together. My little family! All I have ever wanted were my babies together. To be able to lay down at night and know they’re here with me. To close my eyes and listen vey carefully To the sounds of the night…

To hear them sleep. To hear them breathe.

I gave them life. They give me a reason to live.

My Heart Doesn’t Have To Be Broken

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He’s home.

The only boy, or man who will ever hold my heart forever, no matter what he does.

Unconditionally, and unwavering. The only or who I will always want to see. No matter what!

Who’s beautiful hazel eyes sparkle when I tell him I love him, just as they have since he first heard those words and learned to say them back!

I LOVE saying his name and having him look at me. Having him see how much I still love him and always have! Always will. From the moment I laid my eyes on him, I’ve been in love!

I love saying, “Son.”

I love hearing, “Mom.” in his 13yr old man voice.

My heart can finally heal from the ache of my baby being taken from me, so so long ago.

A wee 5yr old mama’s boy, swooped away by his biological father in an angry fit. Now to be returned for SOOOOO long.

My boy is home. MY BOY! My son.

My only son! My beautiful, sweet, not so little anymore because he’s at least 2 inches taller than me, little boy is HOME.

I’ve cried tears of relief that I wasn’t even sure I’d ever cry. I love these joyfully, wondrous tears. I was unsure they’d ever fall, yet here we are.

My heart doesn’t have to be broken anymore. He’s home. MY son. My only son is here with me. Where he belongs.

I feel whole again.

Burned into My System.

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There’s so many forms of pain, and I’m oddly angry at the universe for putting me through SO many of those various forms of agony.

However at the same time, I’m thankful in a strange way. In some very twisted ways, I feel like though my heart is tattered, torn, and ratted from the impossible situations I’ve survived… There’s still a beauty to the way I have cradled it within myself.

The way I’ve stuffed it full of whatever love I could muster, and said, “I choose to live anyway. To love regardless. Because we all deserve that.”

The disgusting irony is that I happen to love you the most, and you can’t even look me in the eye anymore; nor can I you, so there’s no hope for the love deserved. That I deserve. That I need.

There’s no happy ending for me. I choose loneliness over a false, a substitute, a filler. I’m fine being just a full heart, broken and tattered. We have a silly love story that can’t be told.

Shhh. My dirty little secret. Don’t speak of it. They might hear you and then for ONCE you’d have to man up for your mistakes. Tell the truth, and pull down the wall of lies you’ve surrounded yourself with. Ignorance is bliss, but your ignorance isn’t blissful, is it? It’s just more “happy” mistakes.

You’re my favorite mistake. A mistake never regretted, but forever burned into my system. Burnt like a never healing slice in my heart! You’re burned into my nervous system and I can’t get rid of you. You’re part of who I am. No matter if we never speak again.

Tomorrow

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Tomorrow is my surgery. 

Goodbye asshole gallbladder. Goodbye random food intolerances. Goodbye constant vile bile. I’m so sick of this sickness! I can go back to being my normal level of me sick. 

I just want this awful organ out of my body. One more day. Less than 24 hours of this disgusting mess left. Thank bloody hell. 

Comfortably Numb

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I forgot what it’s like to be fully sober. 

To wake up with zero pain medication. One hundred percent in my body, suffering the aches and pains in my fully sober and untreated self. It’s agony. 

I threw my back out yesterday, and I have have been in intense pain ever since. I took my last pain pill the day before, on a Sunday, not realizing the Monday was a holiday, my pain prescription was out of refills and I’d have to wait until Tuesday for the Drs to be back in office to get a new prescription. This on top of my regular agony, and my 7 week extra pain recently discovered to be a stone filed gallbladder. Swollen, irritated to the max and ready to come out! My consult is at noon today with my general surgeon to schedule to surgery, but I’m in agonizing pain. 

I’m past my threshold. Every joint in my body is aching, grinding, and every inch of my skin is needles and fire. I can hear it in my head when I move my eyes, and my ears drums are so swollen, it hurts to hear the children playing outside my window. A sound I typically adore. 

It’s 8:33am. I barely slept last night, even with 150mg of trazadone in my system. The pain was too much for my body to take. It was far too much to sleep through. I’m used to the pain. The agony. The utter endless discomfort and pain. But expecting me to sleep through a gallbladder of this severity of needing to be removed, and my back in this amount of turmoil… On top of all my typical agony? With only anti-inflammatory and topir? I think not.

I just want to be comfortably numb.